Marriage and Divorce: Coerce or Not?

Image: http://www.youngisraelrabbis.org.il

In a recent article published in the YUObserver To'enet Rabbanit Dr. Rachel Levmore declares the need for a mandatory acceptance that all Stern students and alumni sign prenups before marriage. She writes:

"The time has come for Stern College to take a stand as "Stern College" - its rabbonim, teachers, administration - clarifying that each and every student of Stern and her chosson sign a prenup. This should have been done years ago, especially taking into account the Dec 1999 "Kol Koreh" of the 11 Roshei Yeshiva of YU and the latest public lectures of one of YU's leading poskim. Although Stern is an "academic" institution--it is more than that. It is a "yeshiva" institution which prepares its students for a successful Orthodox Jewish life on many levels. It is not enough to sanction the holding of events where outsiders/professionals come to speak to the student body about the agunah problem and prenuptial agreements. That was done when Tamar Epstein was a student and did nothing to prevent her from becoming an agunah. As teachers, mechanchim, professors and religious leaders we are responsible for these women and we do not know whom they will want to marry or who will be their mesader kiddushin. We have to empower the women to be able to say - it is my community's minhag- the "Stern College requirement" - that every couple must sign a prenup.  If indeed it is issued as a school policy, psakor a similar form--then it will not be difficult for the women to insist on a prenup when the time comes. The result will be that it will become common knowledge that if a young man is set to go out with a "Stern Girl" - he will be required to sign a prenup if they become engaged. It will be part of the package. There is no doubt that the Stern college administration can find the way to do this in an acceptable manner."

I posted a link to the article on facebook and received a lot of feedback. You can't force an academic institution to enforce religious code, they say. 

Here is one such letter. My response will follow in the next post. 

Tania, 

Whilst I cannot underplay the importance of a halachic prenup, a notion which rabonnim should push couples to enact, does this article not give rise to a deeper issue?

Here we have a registered higher education institution taking a stand on proper marital practice for its students. Does YU have the right to coerce young people into marriage through actively stimulating peer pressure within its student body?

Perhaps the YU administration has just cause for concern, with intermarriage in the United States at a higher rate than anywhere else (the general online consensus being that in more than one in two marriages involving a halachically Jewish person, the other person is not so), it is possible that there is a degree of urgency about the whole thing.

What needs to be realised here is that by promoting the halachic prenup in such an overt manner (for its students when they choose to 'pair off and mate') they are pushing the idea of an early ill-considered marriage on a subliminal level by intimating "go ahead and get married fast, we've even got a halachic prenup to protect you."  

For too long now, the administration of Yeshiva University has been pressuring its students, its very stake-holders, to rush into the most important decision of their entire lives.  After all, nominating a single person to dedicate the rest of one's life to cannot be taken lightly.  In many YU 'internal marriages' neither party is fully aware of their social, legal, financial and emotional obligations.  As if YU fees were not enough of a burden for any parent, supporting a purportedly independent married couple through their initial years can only increase the weight of the yoke.  This has lead many students in YU, in my opinion to search for a spouse first and foremost, and for love and stability second, as a net result of excruciating peer pressure.

Naturally, there are cases when the wrong person is espoused (and that's where the halachic prenup comes into play) but it is always better to get it right first time.  Divorcees don't always get a second bite of the cherry: especially if they happen to fall for a Cohen second time round!!  Having to invoke a halachic prenup, i.e. divorcing, is not a fixing measure: it is damage limitation, plane and simple.

YU's promotion of a quick fix, rather than education in correct decision making, adds fodder to the canon of haste.  What business has a university in urging its student body to pair-off two by two, like animals going into Noah's ark?  What of common intellectual ground, compatibility and chemistry?  What of FINDING the right person?  Why does matchmaking at YU have to have the sophistication of shooting fish in a barrel.

Perhaps the next step for Yeshiva University is to look into counselling their female students who graduate without an M.R.S. or at least a pending one, who might perceive themselves to be left on the shelf? 

Engagement rings have long be THE must-have accessory in Stern College: the de facto uniform.  In the administration's place, I would personally ban the wearing of engagement rings on university premises.  Nothing creates jealousy and one-upmanship and erodes a friendly student culture better than a good old "my rock is bigger than your pebble" contest.

Personally, I hail from a different society where the pressure is not on to find a SPOUSE, but rather to find LOVE.  I do, however, have first hand experience dating in YU circles.  I met someone looking for love, when they were just looking for a spouse, to be like their friends in YU.  

Then again, perhaps the administrations sufferance of engagement rings on premises and provision of married accommodation and the gender-separated festive socials with the carefully placed mixing lounge is all part of the wider plan to create enough tension that Jewish marriages occur.  

Not rushing into marriage is surely the most prudent method of all. YU has a responsibility to its students to educate them. It is not in YU's jurisdiction to urge conformity to a chosen social norm of hatching, matching and dispatching. There is more to life than YU boy meets Stern girl.  

Public promotion of a halachic prenup will only aggrevate the problem and encourage more young people to rush important decisions at far too young an age, with little worldly or financial experience, on this purported basis of an emotional insurance policy offered by the YU administration.

Sincerely, 

Against The Idea

Who Paid For The Asifa?

Image: http://www.freakonomics.com/

After a fascinating conversation with a brilliant person who gave me a speech on "Follow the Money", I have a question for you, and that is:

WHO PAID FOR THE INTERNET ASIFA IN CITIFIELD?

Renting out Citi Field cost over $1,000,000. Each ticket cost $10. Multiply that by a maximum of 40,000 people and you have $400,000 total. That means that someone had to dish out $600,000 minimum to make this gathering happen.

How come there was no fundraising for this event?
It is not a secret that the charedi world isn't exactly overflowing with cash right now...

Could it be that the company which created internet filters paid this sum as an investment in advertising?
Just asking?

A Post On Birth Control

Image: http://maximesalon.com

Birth Control is a taboo topic in the Orthodox world. Not discussed much in public, considered inappropriate to bring up on dates, waiting before or in between children is one of the most quiet controversial issues in the lives of dating singles today. 

My question to you is how do you feel about birth control and halacha?

1) Do you think the use of BC should be permitted before there are any children?

2) Do you think the use of BC should be permitted in between children?

3) Do you think BC should be more discussed in the Orthodox community?

4) At what point in a relationship is it appropriate to bring up BC?

This post isn't really discussing the issue, just presenting a cute episode which my poor friend had to experience firsthand. 

My friend--let’s call her Meryl--attended a shiur this past Shabbat given by Yoetzet Halacha Atara Eis regarding: Multiple Views of Multiplying: Family Planning in Halacha. She really enjoyed the lecture and appreciated Atara Eis’ breadth of knowledge, sensitivity to the complexity of the issue and the way she presented different opinions on the matter. 

Atara Eis discussed different approaches and presented R’ Moshe Kahn’s approach (read his article here) as one which she identifies with and can recommend to couples. Meryl was brought up with more traditional views regarding Halacha & birth control (especially at the beginning of the marriage). After a dating incident that happened to her recently, she began to research the issue in more depth. I'd like to think I played a part in that. She now feels it is crucial for Jewish women to be learned on this issue and be able to utilize critical thinking together with Torah guidance to decide on the approach works best for them. This is the (hilarious) story she shared with me and which really pushed her to re-evaluate her views on birth control & halacha: 

Meryl went on a first date with a really interesting guy. Let’s call him Josh. Josh was brilliant, religious, funny, idealistic, open-minded and seemed like a truly kind & genuine guy. Towards the end of the date they agreed that they both had a nice time and would like to go out again (props to Meryl for asking Josh to decide this like two adults without a shadchan!). The friend who had set Meryl up, though, had not known how old Josh was, and Meryl wanted to ask him for his age before the next date. 

She smiled and asked Josh if she can ask him a couple of questions that the friend who set them up didn’t know. “Sure”, he answered. Meryl inquired about some basic facts--nothing intense--and included in it the question about his age. He answered comfortably. Wanting to be polite, she asked him if there were any questions he had for her. Mind you, this was a first date, so Meryl was not expecting anything beyond him wanting to know basic biographical information. To her absolute surprise, Josh then began a 20 minute rant in which he stated quite forcefully that he does not believe in birth control and that this is incredibly important to him and that he wouldn’t be able to be with someone who would want to use this. 

Meryl just sat there--partly horrified, shocked, disappointed and a little bit amused--and waited for him to finish. He ended his monologue by saying that this was not a good time to really explain the issue at length (duh!) and that he’d do a better job at the next date. 

The next date (which Meryl couldn’t avoid, plus, she was a bit curious about this seemingly normal and cool guy turning out to be a nut case when it came to contraception) was really fun, they went to gemara Jazz in downtown Manhattan. But before they started driving back to her place, Meryl asked Josh to explain his views on birth control fully. Josh spoke during the next 45 minutes about the sanctity of marriage and of a partnership between a man and a woman. He discussed the way birth control means that a couple are keeping something away from each other and taking away purity and love from the sexual act that’s supposed to join them as one (Meryl got nauseous at several points). He discussed the potential found in sex and how modern society does not value it the way it should. Josh felt the rabbis got it all wrong with birth control and that they are overly permissive--he himself was against all forms of birth control at all times. He could quote no Halachik authority to support his position, though. 

“So, if I don’t want to have 10 children by the time I’m 35, what am I supposed to do?”, Meryl asked. “Well, I think the only way to deal with this is the rhythm method”, Josh answered. 

Meryl offered a half smile and said, “You’re a really great guy, and I had a lot of fun with you. But I see you feel really strongly about this and I am not planning on having a million kids in a row, so I don’t see how this can work out”. He nodded sadly and agreed that this issue was quite important to him and nonnegotiable. Out of curiosity, and because they were ending things on good terms, Meryl asked Josh how he deals with trying to date smart, religious and open-minded women and demanding that they never use birth control. Josh, who had been dating for a while, admitted that this point was the one that kept driving all the girls away. Meryl agreed to be on the lookout for that special girl who would be normal in all ways but who’d be ok with never using any kind of birth control (if you feel you know someone like that please contact me!) 

Although Meryl was disappointed that Josh wasn’t meant to be (everything else about him was very attractive) she has used this story since for entertainment purposes--it’s generated more than its fair share of laughs. She also took the time to think very seriously about birth control and about taking responsibility for knowing the Halachic conversation surrounding this topic and the different options available to women who might want to wait before or in between having children. 

“You know how Atara Eis described the people who use the rhythm method?,” Meryl asked me yesterday laughing. “Pregnant. Or parents.”

Ps-if you don’t know what the rhythm method is read all about it here. Imagine trying to figure that out together with Niddah.  

Q&A: Commitment's a Problem

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Dear Tania,
I liked your good answer to I wish I knew, and hope you can provide me with one as well.
I have been dating this really good guy for almost two years. Our two year anniversary will be this July, to be exact. He is smart, nice, witty, funny, handsome, has a good job, sincerely frum, and he essentially fits all my criteria except for one. He has not proposed yet. I don't know what is taking him so long to pop the question. My friends tell me he has commitment issues, but that judgement does not help me. 
I am sick and tired of this relationship dragging on for so long, but i dont want to break up either.
Sincerely,
Sick-'n-tired-of-it-all

Dear Sick-'n-tired-of-it-all,

Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary! Spending two years in a relationship is an accomplishment. That being said, I am afraid you are stuck in a bit of an unhealthy situation.

You say this young man fits all of your criteria except for the fact that he cannot commit to marrying you. That's a problem. It is similar to viewing a gorgeous painting which simply does not belong to you.  

Long term relationships are perfectly fine as long as both parties involved are happy with the arrangements. My experience has shown that those situations are limited to cases where couples cannot settle down for practical reasons: long distance, schooling, financial, and parental support. 

You say he is an amazing person with phenomenal qualities, but the very fact that he is keeping you in a relationship without offering commitment on his part indicates a lack of sensitivity on his part. 

I have seen people get engaged after extended periods of dating, times where I was sure the couple would never take a step forward as was the case with the boy who couldn't commit, times where I encouraged the girlfriend to end things if he didn't propose. She stuck with him and eventually he did propose. There is hope, but what kind of behavioral pattern does this kind of non-committal attitude indicate? For the rest of your life, you will have an idea and for him to come around to it would take a good couple of years. Is that what you want your marriage to look like?

In every relationship I have lived through, the couple reaches a point where they decide if they will be taking the next step in the courtship. If they don't decide to move forward in a reasonable amount of time, then there is no stagnation, keeping the relationship alive becomes near impossible. "When you aren't moving forwards, you are moving backwards." 

I remember going out with someone for a couple of months, we had a couple of discussions about marriage and the like. We decided on an engagement date, and then, a week later, he realized that marriage lasts longer than five minutes, and he told me that he never realized what he was saying when he asked me to marry him, he wanted to date me "and see where things go." He wanted to keep on dating me and think about it. 

I told him to think all he wants, but without me please. That was the end of that one.

Had he wanted to think before we discussed marriage, that would have been normal. But in relationships, once you go forward, you can't really go back. 

For every couple that "next step" point can be at different stages of dating. It can be from three to five dates where you decide "whether you are dating or not", then from two months to a year when you decide if you will be spending the rest of your lives together. I truly believe that a year is enough time to know if you could marry the person or not. According to millionaire matchmaker Patti Stanger, if a guy doesn't propose to a girl after a year of dating, he must release her back into the sea so that she can find another fish.

I really cannot offer you practical advice since I do not know you personally and the details of your relationship. However, I do wish you the strength required to be honest with yourself in assessing whether this relationship is one worth clinging to. 

What Stockings Mean To Me: Part II

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Continued from What Stockings Mean To Me: Part I

It was a challenging time for me to find my place of comfort, and I understand that my shedding of stockings caused anguish to people close to me. I could understand how they felt as if I was rejecting their path, their brand of Judaism, and being disrespectful.
The truth is, I should have been more considerate and should have worn stockings where that was the accepted norm. I did not.
To me stockings were a symbol of a struggle I had in the past, one I wanted to leave behind and completely disassociate with.

Of course... shidduchim.... Do you want a guy who wears a black hat, white hat, no hat? Modern yeshivish, modern orthodox machmir,  modern orthodox liberal? A guy who davens twice a day, three times a day, or once a week? Do you want a girl who wears skirts only or pants and skirts? Do you want a girl who will cover her hair, will not cover her hair, will cover partially or up to her entirely? And of course, do you want a girl who wears stockings or not?

Although I went out with guys on different sides of the Orthodox spectrum, I remained true to myself and went out stockings-free. I figured that if a guy needed his wife to wear those things, his wife's name was probably not Tania.

One particularly charming young man saw a video of me and wanted to go out. He found another guy I went out with and asked him to set us up. The guy looked at him and said: "She isn't for you. She doesn't wear stockings."
When I heard this story, I was shocked. We had only gone on one date. The fact that he was able to figure out my stockings situation was slightly creepy.
After ten dates with this young man, he told me that his friends' wives wear stockings, and he asked me if I would consider wearing stockings after marriage.

He was asking a simple question. About stockings.
But for me stockings were no longer stockings, they were the trigger that pulled on a load of other issues. And I started freaking out that the very thing I've been trying to run away from my entire life is running after me again, and I'd have to be constrained into a tight community via the stockings.

I tried to compose my calm.
"How do you know I don't wear stockings?" I asked.
He laughed.
Fine. I guess I am naive.

I liked the guy, but I told him that he should decide if stockings are important to him. And if they are important to him, then  looking the part of a member of charedi society is important to him. And if that is important to him then we should stop going out because my priorities lie elsewhere and I have no interest in wearing stockings. This was the end of a long date, I was tired, and I was fuming when I left him with those words.

We went out again. I looked at him wondering if he was going to end it. I figured that if he ended it now, it would be easier in the long run and would clarify many things. I braced myself for the blow.
He told me that he thought about what I had told him.
"And...." I prodded
"And I like the fact that you are yourself. I want you to be yourself with me, and I want to be myself when I am with you."

This guy couldn't have said anything more perfect at the time. They say girls fall in love through their ears for a reason.
We kept on going out, and the issue of stockings kept on coming up. When it ended months later, it was clear that one of the main reasons this couldn't work was because belonging in a community and looking the part was highly important to him.
"But you told me you wanted me to be myself," I said.
"I guess I was blinded by your other qualities," he said. "And was, therefore, lying to myself."
Thanks for waking up before the wedding.

Stockings matter. They really do. This season was the first time I donned stockings out of respect when visiting certain people. Stockings themselves aren't evil. If I have to wear them once in awhile to avoid a world war, I can learn the art of compromise.

Satmar Update on Asifa

Image: http://www.vosizneias.com

Wow! Talk about insular community. The Satmar just proclaimed that there is no gain for Satmar to attend conventions with Jews of other colors. Vosizneias reports:

"Whoever remembers my uncle, the Divrei Yoel and participated in his Shalsoh Seudos and heard his holy words and came to his house with a kvittel knows that a Satmar Chasid has nothing to gain from attending either the Asifa or the Siyum Hashas.”

R’ Teitelbaum emphasized that he supported the Rabbonim who are endorsing the assemblage and would encourage his followers to abide by the suggestions that will be proposed at the Asifa, but that he felt that this gathering was not in the best interests of his followers....

R’ Teitelbaum also took issue with the fact that the Asifa would be conducted in English saying “our forefathers fought against having speeches in the languages of other nations and I do not want to send my followers to a place where they will be speaking a foreign language.”

What Stockings Mean To Me: Part I

Image: http://images.webdesignbooth.com

Some people care about peace in the Middle East, others concern themselves with starving children in Africa, and I... I am bugged by the subject of stockings.
Yes, the stockings made of nylon that women wear on their legs. But isn't that a bit... um... trivial? Like, aren't there issues in the world more important than stockings?
There might be, but for me and for many Jewish Orthodox women out there, the issue of stockings is definitely up there.
The seems in the stockings separate the Hassidic community from the litvish one, and the stockings themselves serve as an invisible barrier between charedi and modern orthodox women.

Stockings are a perfect example of an element which serves as a purely social religious marker without any backing whatsoever in Jewish law.
A bit on the halachik background of stockings. In Masekhet Berachot, there is a discussion of ervah, the parts of a woman's body which men are prohibited from seeing. The ervah of the leg is called Shok, most often interpreted as thigh. Thus, the halachik consensus is that the knee up should be covered when men are present. Now, and I don't know how accurate this is, but this was the halachik justification for stockings in the haredi world. In the case that shok refers to the lower part of the leg (knee down), a woman should cover the lower part of her legs with stockings and keep the law in the best possible way.

Now between me, you, and the lamp post, since when is skin tight, see through clothing considered adequate coverage? Would you dream of a frum woman wearing stockings with nothing on top? I wouldn't in a million years.

Anyhow, in religion, it is sometimes wise to stop asking questions and to accept social norms as they are.

Most communities are either into stockings or they're not. If they are, stockings are a must, and go as minhag hamakom, and if they aren't, enjoy life, and you're still a great Jew.

Since I grew up out of town, I never sweated this stuff. I remember vaguely wearing a lovely velvet creation, also known as a shabbos robe, to the shabbos table. A woman visiting from Europe and told me in this righteous pleading voice: "Please, Tania, lechoved shabbes. Put on some stockings."
I was twelve years old. I looked at her as if she fell off the moon. Someone at the table asked her: "Excuse me, is your chavod shabbos contained in stockings?"

Then when I went to seminary, I knew the rules of the place, and stockings were a non-negotiable. So I wore stockings no matter the weather, I would sweat through the heat. I tried to remember to always have an extra pair on me in case there was a run, which happened quite often. For some reason, I constantly developed blisters in the summer and peeling the stockings off from the dried blood on my skin was one gruesome activity.
All of the excitement doesn't end with stockings. There is also a difference in the thickness and level of opacity which corresponds with religiosity and piety accordingly.

It was a lovely day when I walked into halacha class. The rabbi was in an interesting mood.
"I want to talk about something else today," he said.
Here we go, I thought as I sunk deeper into my chair.
"In the winter all the girls were wearing thick tights and stockings and I thought that everyone had done tshuva [repentance]." He paused to breathe. He was red in his face. "But as it got warmer, I saw girls wearing see through stockings, and girls just cannot understand how strong the yetzer hara of men is, and I must take the time to go over the details of wearing stockings."

I sat there for the next fifty minutes of class watching him pull out samples of stockings, discussing different brands and the details of the denier density, what was kosher and what was not. "Basically, if someone looks at your legs from across the street and has to wonder whether you are wearing stockings or not, you are doing a bad job."
The best girl in class understanding that not all girls can acquire kosher stockings overnight asked the brilliant shaila. "Rabbi," she said. "Can we wear two pairs of stockings one on top of the other until we get new ones?"
Uh, genius. The rabbi gave his blessed permission.
The next day the seminary was swarming with double covered legs, kosher badatz lemehadrin.

Although I knew there was nothing inherently wrong with the lack of stockings I couldn't fathom not wearing them. After spending a year and a half in college, I woke up one morning and ran out of my room without stockings. I felt so self conscious. I was sure that every single passerby was staring at my bare legs and thinking "prutza".
The feeling of freedom was so amazing, I refused to put on stockings the entire summer. I went to weddings, meetings, shabbatons, all stockings-free. Life was awesome.

Except for the part where it wasn't. Over the holidays, a guest staying at our house, the same one who was there when I was twelve threw a fit when she realized the grave sin I was committing. The guest took it on as her crusade mission to suffocate my legs in holy nylon stockings.
Oh my Lord. I wasn't telling her what kind of undergarments to adorn. What did she think she was doing? Generally, telling me what to do usually won't get a person on my best side, especially when it is a significant infringement on my privacy.
She told me to put on stockings. I smiled and thanked her for her concern. She told me to put on stockings. I told her to please leave me alone. She told me to put on stockings. I screamed at her and the fight began. The entire yom tov she ignored me and graced me with wicked stares every once in awhile. To say that this stockings issue was ruining my yom tov would be an understatement.

Finally, after three days of silent treatment, she approached me. She figured out how to convince me of the truth in her words and the heresy in mine.
We sat down. She looked me in the eyes and ever so slowly, she said: "Tell me, have you ever seen a chareidi girl in Yerushalaim without stockings?"
Ok. That is it? The million dollar argument?
Silence. I guess it is.
"Two things. One. I am not a chareidi girl. Two. I am not in Yerushalaim."
End of discussion.

Clearly, this wasn't just about stockings anymore. To me this was a symbolic battle of control vs. autonomy.

Q&A: No Salvation In Sight

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Dear Tania,


I have been reading your blog for some time and was wondering if you could help me out. 

I'm worried I will never get married.

Do you have any suggestions of how I can avoid this nagging feeling?

Do you have the same problem?

Thanks, 
I wish I knew.




Hello IWishIKnew,

Thanks for reaching out to me.
I totally understand and empathize with your feelings of frustration.

About a year ago, I went out with this guy who was ten years older than me.
This was after six months of "ones-and-dones", and I was desperate to meet someone I would enjoy spending time with.
It was the best first date of my life. He had huge warm eyes,  a friendly demeanor, a genius mind, he was tall and cute, and the conversation had this awesome flow, positive energy, and I was sitting there thinking "Oh my Gosh! This guy is SO cute!"

A month later at midnight he dumped me. And as I climbed back into my apartment with a deflated heart trying to be as quiet as possible, I was overwhelmed with a huge void.
I was thinking: "Fine, I'm twenty, this didn't work out, that's life. But what if I would be in the position of the guy? what if I am still at this point of my life at thirty? Still going on first dates and coming home to roommates after unsuccessful dating ventures?!" That thought scared the bejeezes out of me.

And for me, being single is not the hard part. The hard part is living in a sate of not knowing. I wish I was told at what age I'll get married, and then I would move on calmly with my life and busy myself with marriage when the time came.
There is this movie called the Timer (I didn't enjoy the movie so much but the idea behind the movie was brilliant). The premise was that every person has a timer, and the timer indicates the remaining time till one meets "the right one" and at the moment of the meeting the Timer runs out.

Besides for the fact that life isn't a movie, one of the reasons we don't know when we will meet the right one is because dating and getting to marriage is an active individual process each one of us has to go through.
It doesn't seem fair that some have it easier than others.... but who said life was supposed to be fair?

IWishIKnew,  My advice for you is: do everything you can to love your life. Spend time pursuing interests, learning great stuff, meeting fascinating people and surround yourself with awesome friends!

Hope you won't have to wonder much longer,

Tania

*If you have any questions, email me.

The Reason I Blog: Part II

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Image: http://brittanymtaylor.wikispaces.com

I grew up in a large, warm and loving family. I was never abused or starved or anything like that. If anything, I had quite the opposite upbringing. I was encouraged to bring my potential to its fullest, to develop various talents, to experience as much as possible. Although I had struggles like any normal human being, I grew up loving my home, my family and my religion.

"So where does all of this anger and resentment you express come from?" One may ask.

Honestly, I am not sure. I was never known for being quiet, sweet and subdued. Since I was a little kid, I was always asking questions, assessing judgments, forming and expressing my opinions to those around me.

Until my teen years, I barely felt a difference between myself and people of the other gender. For me, the sky was the limit. At the age of fifteen, I won a large Bible contest and was invited to speak at a non-denominational convention. That was the first time I spoke publicly in front of a group of adults. The feeling of developing ideas with smart people was extremely rewarding. At the end of my speech, a woman came over to me and told me: "You are so brilliant. You should become a rabbi." I smiled at her: "Why should I become a rabbi if I could marry one?" I responded. Before hearing her comment, I never realized how huge the closed door in front of me was.
Later that year, I was asked to speak in the Shul during Shavuot night learning. I was honored. I spent hours over texts preparing a speech that I hoped wouldn't disappoint my parents.
The night of the event came. An hour before my speech, the rabbis held a short meeting protesting the fact that a young female would speak. There was a quick change of schedule, and the speech was going to be delivered by a rabbi in the main sanctuary, while my lecture would take place in a side room for women only.
Lacking self-introspection, I surrendered to the decision of the rabbis and delivered the lecture feeling all confused.

All of this happened parallel to my brother, who was extremely charismatic and lovable as well. He also delivered sermons in the Shul.

And so, we continued to contribute to the community. He would speak in the main sanctuary, while I would speak in a side room. I was expected to attend his lectures, while he never had the time to attend mine.

After years of learning to understand myself and know my feelings, I learned how significant those incidents were in shaping my opinion of self. Objectively speaking, I was presented with more of an opportunity than most young Orthodox women my age. I was given an audience, an ability to develop and transmit my ideas. And yet, the focus of my life was all of what I would never be able to become.

For seminary, I went to a place called Gateshead, which I guess is the Haredi equivalent of Harvard for women. A highly prestigious three year program where seven rabbis educate over four hundred young women annually and mold them into the perfect future wives and mothers of klal yisroel. I learned a tremendous amount of chumash, halacha, maamarei chazal. At the same time, every bit of self-worth was squashed down within me. I was taught that my only worth and value in this world was measured in the husband I married and in the sons I produced.
Therefore, if I wished to succeed, I would have to choose a great husband to follow quietly. It was clear to me, that G-d and Judaism willed my rightful voice as belonging behind the scenes, inside the house, hidden in the silence.

By the time I began my studies at Yeshiva University, I was one angry and fanatically religious young woman. I couldn't enter a room without deciding who was sincerely religious and who was just putting on a show, I couldn't give respect to people whose opinions differed from mine, the slightest provocations would irritate me to extremes and send me into angry tantrums.
It took me years to calm down and to come to terms with myself and my place in Judaism and the world.
See, the thing is, I am not an angry person who threw away the baby with the bath water. I am not one of those bitter depressed characters set out to destroy the world and her religion for the unfairness of her circumstances.
I am a thinking individual, and I embrace the complex struggle that the life of an Orthodox woman entails. I am passionate about finding a loving husband with whom I can build a warm beautiful frum home, while at the same time, I strive to succeed in life on my own regardless of the husband (or lack of one) standing next to me.

I launched my blog as a public sanctuary to express my thoughts, experiences and opinions, to find my own voice, my own unique kol isha.
I went from being silent to expressing almost everything. I have shuttled from having no voice at all to being a loud mouthed ****. The pendulum swung from one extreme to the other. My goal is to learn how to say what I need to say while remaining loyal to myself and not becoming the self-righteous know-it-all girl. I am a voice in training.

In terms of dating, this blog has given me the voice so many people crave and need. In shidduchim, when a man rejects me and says his piece while leaving me silent, I have the ability to respond. I have learned how to say my part as well by calling him out on his behavior. Loud and clear.

I would love to one day be able to express myself directly to people by saying what I need to say without hitting them over the head with a baseball bat. I am closer to that day today than I ever was before.

And I think this is the perfect opportunity to thank three women in my life for the tremendous support they have provided me with. My grandmother, my mother and my aunt. I could not have done this without you. Your advice and encouragement kept me afloat when the winds were blowing hard to knock me down and drown me.
My father for encouraging my development and routing for my success.
My sisters, my uncle, and five of my really close friends, who have been there for me at the craziest times. It's not only what you do or say, it is who you are. I am honored to be associated with you and have you in my life.
I would also like to thank my fellow bloggers, who read and take the time to respond and offer advice and opinions on subjects I care passionately about.
The viewers who read my blog without commenting. I wouldn't be at 100000 without you.
I would like to thank those who read me and hate me and wish I didn't post. Trust me, there were times I prayed I could block you from going on my blog and when I considered deleting your comments. But you are on this blog because I am writing it and that is the beauty of freedom.
Finally, I would like to thank G-d Almighty, for giving me the ability and the opportunity to live to see this day.

Let's raise a glass to life and freedom. Lechaim!

*This was written as part of The Reason I Blog: Part I

The Reason I Blog: Part I

Image: http://goodwitchbadwitch.files.wordpress.com 

When I wrote my first post two years ago, using my middle name, Tania, as my pen name, I had no idea where this blogging adventure would take me.
All I knew was that my life was changing rapidly taking me in unexpected directions, and I was in for the ride whether I liked it or not.
Today, when my blog was viewed for the 100,000th time, I feel overwhelmed.
My head swarms with many ideas, words and emotions, and I find it challenging to put them all into writing.
Something big is happening, and although I am not exactly sure of what it is or how it will turn out, I know that I am a part of something monumental in my personal life journey, and I could not have done it alone.

The most difficult part of blogging for me has been listening to criticism from those who love me the most.
Close family members threatened to cut me out of their lives if I kept on blogging.
"You are lucky your grandmother doesn't know about it."
"I will speak with you on condition that it doesn't appear on your blog."
"Why are you doing this? Why do you write all of this for the world to see? Why?"
"Shoot. I shouldn't have told you that. You will for sure put it up online."
"I thought you were out to help others, but now I realize you are a feminist egoist fighting for the sake of fighting."
"I know you like to write. So do I. Why can't you keep your writing to yourself?"
"Is this about validation?"
"I don't mean to be intrusive, but don't you think you will increase your dating opportunities if you stop blogging?"
"Why can't you blog about something else? Why does it have to be about dating? Why don't you talk about the weather? Or the president?"
"No one will go out with you. No one will marry you. Your friends won't talk with you. Everyone is scared of finding themselves torn apart on your blog."
"So what? So you write, people read you, and what? What have you accomplished? You are never going to be a great writer anyways."
"Does it make you feel good to put others down on your blog? Are you that evil of a person? Rejoicing  in the pain of others."

The statements above are only some of the things I was told. They came with more frequency and intensity as my readership expanded and as my true identity began to emerge. Comments that left me struggling, in tears, for hours at a time, having me rethink the whole idea of blogging over and over again.

And although I hear the concerns of my loved ones loud and clear, and although I know where they are coming from, I wish there was a way I can express to them why this blog is such an essential part of my life right now and how I don't blog just to irritate the world around me and to ruin my reputation.

I understand how guys could fear going out with me, for if they make one slightly idiotic comment, I will air their laundry out for the world to see. And I give them extra credit for being brave and coming forth despite the blog. I just want to mention that I don't write about half of the guys I go out with, and I don't write about things which I deem inappropriate, and I don't plan on blogging about all the intimate details of my love life once I find the right guy and get married. The bottom line is that the decision of what goes on my blog is entirely mine even if I do take the opinions of others into account.