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I have a theory on dating and it goes like this:
When two people are seeing each other they should let each other know where they are standing.
I have a friend who kept on going out with this guy for months on end
and although he liked her and thought she was special, he couldn't bring himself to commit.
And they kept on going out... and a year passed, and they were still dating and still liking each other and still not moving forward.
I watched this relationship develop in front of my eyes and somewhere I knew that I would never be in a similar situation.
Shocker of shockers, I am currently located in a zone of fluctuation where I wake up in the morning having absolutely no clue if I will close the day "in a relationship" or "single".
There is a moment in every relationship where the air begs for a higher level of commitment.
And I ask of him to let me know either way.
To let me know if he's in or if he's out.
Because any type of definite knowledge is preferable to doubt.
You're absolutely right. I remember being stuck in one or twice - continuing to go out (for months, not a year) until one of us brought it up, talked things out, and decided to end it. There IS supposed to be a tachlis in dating, which is either marriage or realizing you need to look elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteIf the guy doesn't have the courage to say anything, and it could very well be that he doesn't even realize what's happening - as was the case the first time this happened to me and SHE brought it up - you may need to be brave and be the one to raise the subject.
As I mentioned on another blog recently, there is a chassidic concept that knowing the truth is the best form of yishuv hada'as/menuchas hanefesh, even if it can be a hard truth to accept. I hope you achieve that peace of mind soon.
Sometimes, we don't yet know. Commitment -and I assume we're talking about marriage -isn't something everyone can determine in a week, several weeks, a month or several months. Some people need that time. And two people can be on different wavelengths, one can be sure and the other unsure. And each person still has every right to say no, or determine that the other is not meant for them.
ReplyDeleteI'm generally against ultimatums, though. I prefer communication. If a woman gives me an ultimatum, I probably won't give her a yes/no answer. If I had one, she'd already have gotten it. Chances are there are still things to learn and there are often many great things and some areas of concern (i.e. I need more time for myself to know).
Life isn't black and white, dating isn't either. It's frustrating, to be sure. Just because one person is sure of where they stand, doesn't mean the other person must be. I'm learning that; take her as she is, take it one step at a time, be okay with feeling differently than she does, being more OR less sure.
You can't force someone to feel or not feel, to decide when you want them to. If, for some reason, that's unacceptable, we always have the choice to say no.
I think the person might be waiting for the other person to make the first move and then it gets complicated because no one wants to be the one rejected...
ReplyDeleteI am not a mind reader. I don't expect others to be. If I have a thought, question or doubt, I think it is very important to bring it up.
ReplyDelete