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I was sitting with a single roommate making morbid jokes about our eternal state of singlehood.
A guest walked into our apartment. She was engaged.
We asked her how long she was dating, how she felt when she met her bashert, did she know right away and other random questions.
And then she sighs and says: "Uch, it is so hard to be engaged."
When she left, my roommate looked at me and said: "Who does she think she is, telling two single girls that engagements are hard?"
I concur its like parents complaining about "tzaar gidul bonim" aka raising kids to a couple who is childless
ReplyDeleteSome people tend not to think before they speak, and just blurt out the quickest thing that comes to their mind, in order not to make the person to whom they're speaking feel bad. This all boils down to 'thinking carefully before letting words slip from your mouth'.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who went through a hard engagement, I think its unfair and untrue to automatically assume this person is self-involved. In a good friendship, the single person will be there for the engaged person to vent to/seek advice from. The engaged person will then also be there to listen to her/his single friends discuss the hardships of dating. Friendship is a two way street and just because a person isn't engaged does not mean they too don't need friends to make morbid in-law jokes or budget jokes to. Its very hard to keep it bottled up inside because if you say anything its being inconsiderate. Consider the other side of a person who just really needs a good friend to discuss the hardships of wedding planning to. That same friend will be there for you when you need to discuss your problems and whats going on in your life.
ReplyDeleteSometimes an engaged person might (erroneously) think that she is actually being sensitive by letting the single person know that there is what to appreciate about being single because getting married is not that easy, either - like the married friends who would tell me that I was lucky to not have to this, that, the other. The fact is, having been both single and now married, you can't win. If you invite the friends for Shabbos, you end up being condescending and unrelatable. If you offer dating advice (the same you would have when you were single), you are somehow patronizing and projecting. If you do not include your single friends, you are a stuck up married person, yet when you try to, you fail to be sensitive simply because you are married and they are not. I agree that friendship is a two way street and ideally friends should be able to complain equally to each other, but in the real world, depending on the friend, this simply isn't true, as the single/married divide is just fraught and overstepping will result in a lot of unintended pain that can't be taken back. It takes a really strong person to be able to look beyond her pain and help the other through, in both directions, and rarely have I had a friend who was actually able to do that.
ReplyDeleteEngagements are not always glitter and sunshine. After the initial hoopla, the engagee may begin to fret.
ReplyDeleteNot that I have ever been engaged, but I know a few individuals who were nervous wrecks.
However, an engaged individual should still be careful how she talks to her single friends. While people say "friendship is a two-way street," not to be cynical, but I have rarely seen "equal" friendships. And often there is the Bridezilla complex.
I think it is unrealistic for an engaged girl to expect her single friends to be constantly discussing her engagement. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, better find a married friend to talk you down from the edge. Not that she's interested or anything either.
I think Anonymous 5:11 AM is right. Engagements are not easy by any means, unless you're lucky enough, and easy going enough, to let the parents handle planning everything and you'll be happy with the results regardless of what they come up with, because at the end of the day the most important thing is that you'll be married to your husband/wife.
ReplyDeleteAs a friend once said, "It's really your parents' wedding, and you just happened to be invited." This is a very accurate assessment of how the engagement period and wedding planning works.
At any rate, I do think you should cut your friend some slack, but she should also be more mindful and sensitive when speaking to single friends.
Being engaged IS hard. I think it is harder to be single, but being engaged is the next worst thing. Dating seriously is nice. Being married is great. Being engaged is awful. It's a miserable time when you're overwhelmed with emotion, you have a million decisions to make in a very short amount of time, you often feel pressured to spend a lot of money--and worst of all, everyone keeps saying "You must be so happy!"
ReplyDeleteSo, not only are you miserable, but you feel like you're broken, because everyone seems to think you should be on cloud nine.
Was it insensitive of your friend to tell her two single friends that it's hard to be engaged? Maybe. But I think the more pressing question is, do you two still want to be her friend now that she's engaged, and once she gets married?
Being a friend is about being there for your friend. If you're in this for the long haul, she shouldn't have to pretend that everything's perfect just because she has what you want. If you're interested in being her friend, you should be interested in supporting her through the hard times of engagement, even when you're envious of her certainty.
Penina, thank you for saying that so eloquently. It is exactly what I meant. If you are a "good" engaged friend then believe me, by the time you are married then your friendship will be no longer because you will have been withholding your life from your single friends. If you are a "bad" engaged friend and talk about your engagement with your single friend, you can also sit shiva for that friendship because you havent been sensitive enough.
ReplyDeleteThere is almost no way to win here. I suggest talking to your friend honestly. Tell her this is what I'm going through, as you are my good friend I want to share it with you. I hope you'll understand that I'm not trying to be insensitive nor am I trying to throw my engagement in your face. I hope that you will continue discussing dates with me and I will hear all about your engagement when the time is right.
I wish I had taken my own advice. When I was engaged one of my closest friends was so uninterested in my life (or jealous I wasn't sure which) that I had a hard time being around her. My fiance saw how distraught she made me and had a difficult time liking her. It took a lot of healing and work to save our friendship. It was worth it because this person is very important to me. I could have saved a lot of pain and hurt feelings--on both sides--with a frank conversation.
Ha ha I guess she was just being nice to you, the single girls :D
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