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Not the type where you mess up badly in life, and you are given another shot to try yourself out again.
I am talking about first dates which are bad, or simply give you the understanding that you don't want to continue...
And then you keep on bumping into the person in different settings and seeing them in a new light...
Do you think your first judgement was wrong? Would you try going out with that person again?
Or do you believe that once you made up your mind, that is it. Nothing can be changed. No means No and there is no turning the wheel back?
Personally, I do believe in second dating chances and at the same time I do not.
Not every person can present their entire selves in one staged two hour slot.
They need time to get comfortable and then open up.
It might be harsh to judge them so quickly.
Yet we do have intuition radars which go off when we know we like something.
It's like instinct.
I guess somewhere in the ideal world there has to be a combination of both.
My friend kept on going out with a guy although every date with him was a complete disaster.
When I asked her why she keeps on going out, she said:
"What, just because we had bad dates I should dump him?!"
Although my initial reaction was to scream at her and say YES!!! IF YOU HAVE MANY BAD DATES, YOU DUMP THE GUY!!!! somewhere, her words reflected the fact that she was willing to give the guy time and that she wasn't judging based on first impressions.
In my experience, I've found that breaking up once is an indication that something is fundamentally wrong. Oftentimes, people break up and then instead of attempting to get over it and give it time, they contact the other person and attempt to reignite the relationship that already failed. In rare cases, those relationships end up working out long term, but most of the times, the fundamental differences rear their ugly heads again and the pain of breaking up a second time is that much more heartbreaking. Bottom line: if you break up, keep it that way.
ReplyDeleteCase in point, I'm good friends with a guy who broke up with his now wife several times, and is now in a marriage that to me seems unhappy. You should never think that you can't find someone better, or that certain problems will work themselves out after marriage. Marriage is a totally different ballgame, and problems that pop up during dating only get worse during marriage.
Re: the other part of your post, I've found in my experience that if you aren't having a good time on dates, or you aren't attracted to someone initially, give it a bit of time, but have a deadline in your head. If you aren't having a good time after 1 or 2 months, you're only wasting each other's time.
I don't think ANYONE can present themselves in two hours, nor would most people want to hear everything so fast.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine that experiencing all of someone's flaws within two hours could be very overwhelming.
Hearing all the greatest things about them (from them on the two hour first date) may very likely come off as bragging.
Otherwise, why would anyone need to go on more than one date to decide to get married? It's a process. One I don't think most people really take enough time and work through.