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The more charedi the dating system goes, the more involved the Shadchan is in the dating system.
The Shadchan speaks between both parties to set the dates up.
Some shadchanim are still setting the 7th and 8th dates.
If one of the youngsters has a concern, he/she discusses it with the shadchan.
And many of my friends will tell the shadchan when they are ready to pull the plug and marry the person they are dating, and the shadchan will check with the other side to see if they are as ready as the rest of the crew and whether popping the question should be done the next night or three nights from now.
The shadchan's involvement prevents the dating individuals from communicating with each other. If they were to discuss things directly, they would get into disagreements, and many would not get married in the end.
Therefore, if people are to marry, the involvement of matchmakers in the shidduch process is absolutely vital.
Often times, parents will look into the prospective match, there will be just enough dates to see if there is a possibility to spark chemicals between the two, and walla, then there is the engagement followed by the most intense gedarim and separation to prevent any fights from chas veshalom erupting all under the guise of shomer negiah protection, and then the couple gets married, and then... life starts.
Issues come up, and fights break out, but hey, don't worry. The couple is married already. They're stuck with each other for better or worse. They'll figure it out.
Basically, without Shadchanim, people would never end up getting married.
This sounds quite tongue-in-cheek, which I hope it is... though shadchanim (non-professional ones that is) do have some uses. ASoG and I always try to be useful as sounding boards to discuss issues that come up during the first few dates.
ReplyDeleteI am also going to assume you are not serious? Because plenty of people get married without shadchanim. I personally think that the less the shadchanim are involved the better, for the reasons that are obvious from this post- the two people need to learn how to have a relationship before they get married, without having third parties guide every step of the way. Arguing after you are married and not knowing how to handle that doesn't mean "oh well you're stuck," it means a divorce or an unhappy marriage.
ReplyDeleteCan't the guy just to ask dad to go out to the old family neighborhood with 10 camels and look for a woman kind enough to offer water to him and all the camels? Or can't the guy run off to mom's family's place and meet up with a girl cousin or two? Or the woman can take things into her own hands, like Tamar or Ruth?
ReplyDeleteShadchanim are not permanent. In my family they were usually dropped after the second date.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to have a shadchan do my dirty work for the first date, but at some point one has to take control.
I don't know if It's so much that the two parties need the Shadchan even in the charedi world to conclude with the marriage or else there would be communication and conflict... I think that they don't necessarily know how to approach the topic especially since typically they both have no experience dealing with the opposite sex
ReplyDeleteRight, because learning how to deal or communicate with your partner is not vital at all. This doesn't lead to divorce/gets, abuse, or unhappy marriages. Perfect world the charraidim have.
ReplyDelete"Often times, parents will look into the prospective match, there will be just enough dates to see if there is a possibility to spark chemicals between the two."
I love how parents live vicariously through their kids. Especially when it comes to physical issues such as chemistry.
Dad says,"Look she's 3000 pounds! Just like you're Ema, aren't you excited?! I knew you'd find her attractive just like I am with your mother."
I think you make a good point-but as mentioned above, if they don't fight/don't have to work things out together in the dating process, the couple really has no indication that they can work together in a marriage...it seems to me that this cohort of couples who negotiated e/t through shadchanim prior to marriage seems to be turning, quite often, toward divorce. In marriage they are "stuck with e/o", as you so aptly put it, yet they don't have the means/the tools to work it out together, as they have no experience doing so, and the only way out is divorce.
ReplyDelete