Awkward Date Moments

Image: http://www.ornot2b.com

Granted, it's been awhile since I've been on a first date.

As I was sitting in a restaurant with this guy some friend thought I should meet, we are chatting up.
He is giving me the eye-flirt-stare as he is talking. I am sitting there wondering if I should play along and flirt him out of his kishkes.
At first I was sweet and on the quieter side.
As he continued talking about his life, job, friends, and food, I thought what the heck and jumped in with my sarcastic comments.
I think Mr. Guy was blown away.
After a fifteen minute back and forth, he looks at me and says: you are not at all what you seem to be.
I stare at him.
Um, and what exactly do I seem to be?
Aidel.
Thank you.
Indeed. I am an aidel maidel. You are the first person who ever categorized me as such. Able to see to my essence.

As we are sitting there engrossed in conversation this little petite thing with long brown hair stops by our table and stares at guy. Oh my gosh, what a coincidence (!!!) Hi!
He smiles awkwardly. Hi.
She has him cornered: I wrote you an email. Did you get it? You didn't respond.
Guy: Yeah, I've been extremely busy and couldn't get to your email.
Girl: Well, I sent you another one.
Guy: I'll look at it.

Now I am sitting there observing this entire fiasco and thinking: ok, this guy clearly has some unresolved baggage. What in the world is going on?

To make things worse, the girl sat at the table across from us the entire evening staring and glaring at the guy.

Seriously!?

I might have dated guys in the past but it is not exactly like I bring all of my exes on dates to stare me down while i am trying to meet someone else. 

Break-ups: Baruch Dayan Emet

Image: http://images.sodahead.com

G-d, you hurt me.

If people remembered how bad pain was after it was over, they would never subject themselves to open up and get hurt again.

If people thought about hangovers when they took their first shot of liquor would they ever swallow?

If people thought of the heartbreak dating causes, would they ever date?

And then I think, would it be better if I didn’t have those four months? 

Would it be better if I never felt the closeness, the connection, the potential, the excitement?

As Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote

I hold it true, whete’er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

We had what we had and no one will take that away from me. 

The experiences are now a part of me. 

 And somewhere I know this is a blessing in disguise. We all had our concerns.

Somewhere, I know I will be fine. My heart has been broken before and it will probably be broken again.

I have fallen in love before and I will fall in love again.

It is just that at the moment when the pain is most intense, when the heart shatters into a million little pieces, it is pointless to think of the hidden blessings.

I need my time to mourn.  I need my time to heal.

My heart is so angry at me. I let it break again.

“But why?” it asks. “Your friends married the first guy they dated. Your friends don’t  have multiple long term relationships. Why did you have to do this to me? Why did you put me through this?”

And I apologize to my heart because I am honestly sorry.

I didn’t see this coming. Perhaps that is what makes it more painful in the first place.

I thought that someday I would marry him.

I believed him when he told me he loved me and never met anyone like me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

That is probably why I should be so much more relieved that it is over now.

I don't think I would have ended it on my own.

And if it wasn’t meant to be then it wasn’t meant to be.

On the other hand, I believe in people creating their own destinies;

People choosing their spouses. So fine, Baruch Shepatrani, thanks for taking it out of my hands and resolving this for me.

My family is great.

You all wrote, you called from many different countries.

You all care and that means so much to me.

I know I have a solid supportive family which will get me through this like everything else.

G-d has blessed me with great friends who are also there for me.

At times of death when G-d's judgement is unclear, we say Baruch Dayan Emet. 

A relationship that I was a part of died last night, so Blessed be the Righteous Judge.

Thank you. 

Great Expectations

Image: http://ecx.images-amazon.com

I did. I had great expectations.
I wanted you to understand what I meant without me saying it.
I wanted you to understand what I meant when I said the opposite of what I was feeling.
I wanted you to understand.
I wanted you to respond perfectly.
Just like they do in Hollywood.

When I said that I hate you.
I was saying that I love you and am so petrified of getting hurt.
I wanted you to hug me. I wanted you to tell me that I shouldn't be scared because no matter what, we loved each other and we would work it out.
When I said I could never trust you again.
I meant to say that I am petrified of being betrayed.
I wanted you to hold me tight.
To tell me that there was nothing to fear.
That you would be by my side until we figured this out one way or another.

When I told you to leave and never come back.
I meant to say don't walk out on me and leave me alone or leave me hanging.

I was shocked when you took my words literally and walked out the door.

My words have meaning.
I hope this didn't cheapen them.

I expected you to know what I felt and thought.
I expected you to understand the meaning of the words not spoken.
I expected you to ignore the meaning of the words spoken.
I had great expectations.

Engagements are hard

Image: http://www.realbollywood.com 

I was sitting with a single roommate making morbid jokes about our eternal state of singlehood.
A guest walked into our apartment. She was engaged.
We asked her how long she was dating, how she felt when she met her bashert, did she know right away and other random questions.

And then she sighs and says: "Uch, it is so hard to be engaged."


When she left, my roommate looked at me and said: "Who does she think she is, telling two single girls that engagements are hard?"

Long Term Relationships vs. Marriage

Image: http://www.thefinancialblogger.com

Why is it that a two year marriage is considered short and a two year relationship long?

Second Chances in Dating

Image: http://www.eticketent.com

Do you believe in second chances?

Not the type where you mess up badly in life, and you are given another shot to try yourself out again.

I am talking about first dates which are bad, or simply give you the understanding that you don't want to continue...

And then you keep on bumping into the person in different settings and seeing them in a new light...

Do you think your first judgement was wrong? Would you try going out with that person again?

Or do you believe that once you made up your mind, that is it. Nothing can be changed. No means No and there is no turning the wheel back?

Personally, I do believe in second dating chances and at the same time I do not.

Not every person can present their entire selves in one staged two hour slot.
They need time to get comfortable and then open up.
It might be harsh to judge them so quickly.

Yet we do have intuition radars which go off when we know we like something.
It's like instinct.

I guess somewhere in the ideal world there has to be a combination of both.

My friend kept on going out with a guy although every date with him was a complete disaster.
When I asked her why she keeps on going out, she said:
"What, just because we had bad dates I should dump him?!"

Although my initial reaction was to scream at her and say YES!!! IF YOU HAVE MANY BAD DATES, YOU DUMP THE GUY!!!! somewhere, her words reflected the fact that she was willing to give the guy time and that she wasn't judging based on first impressions.

Beacon Article Song

Anonymous girl from stern
You've got a lot to learn
And I can teach you if you let me

You've got some problems
I've got some too
We could meet up in my hotel room
I'll bring the beer
And we'll make the news

Lets drink to the night
That we both changed
Tomorrow we'll walk the walk


Of shame
We'll drink to a time you wont regret
To a night we cant explain
And I know you're scared
And I know you're freakin'
But baby please
Don't send this to the beacon

I think I blacked out from the Stella Ortois
Last thing I remember was you took off your bra
Next thing I knew you hailed me a cab

Sometimes I wonder if I was just used
To get on the home page of fox news
At least they finally ran something good about Jews

Cause now I'm realizing my worst fear
Cause this could be the end of my rabbinical career

My Big Fat Jewish Family

Image: http://cf1.imgobject.com

I wonder if I'm the only one out there with the Big Fat Jewish Family syndrome.
Where families are kenaine hora, pu-pu-pu, bli ayin hora so big and so close, that every third cousin twice removed, great aunt, and their nephews through marriage feel entitled to know and offer advice on your most personal life and dating experiences.

On the one hand, it is so lovely and valuable to have a family who cares so deeply.

On the other hand, it is nice to take a deep breath once in awhile and to make a choice without having to consider 5,268 opposing and conflicting opinions.

This feeling was brought to a climax after an bad dating incident that happened to me.
I spoke to over twenty, I kid you not, twenty family members in a day, having to tell everyone that I am going to be alright, and yes, they did warn me, and no, I didn't listen, and now I am paying the price....

Thoughts on the YU Beacon Article

Image: http://a57.foxnews.com

I was quite disappointed after reading the YU Beacon article.
I am not against free speech.
I am against poor pointless writing.
The Curious Jew put it well here.

Something that bothered me about the article which was not touched upon by the Curious Jew was that

1) The author was anonymous. 
COME ON! Writing something like that without telling us who you are. Seriously!

2) Why did she feel a need to change her identity? 
It's not like frum people don't engage in mating acts.
You and I were born somehow after all, weren't we.
And even sinning. People sin. That doesn't mean you have to change your persona and move to another country every time you do so.
The author implies that she could not have had relations had she remained in her "cute" frum attire.

3) Come on. That relationship was a bad one if not abusive. 
Poor girl. Had to get herself drunk to let it happen.
The guy got what he wanted and ran for the hills.
 She was left alone with all her raw emotional dilemmas and wasn't offered any emotional support.
THERAPY 101! Help!

4) This article confirms my suspicions.
Frum Satire is a total son-of-a-zonah.

Dating Local or Express

Image: http://1.bp.blogspot.com

There are two ways to date. There is dating express and then there is dating local. 


Don't get me wrong, it isn't like we have a choice. 
Dating is one of those things which is only semi-controllable by humans. 

There are those lucky individuals who will marry the first or second person they dated.
They will fall in love at first sight and be loved back instantly.
They are the people who get to their spouse destination on the express track,
without stopping at the Rejection stop.
Without stopping at the Will-I-Ever-Get-Married stop.
Without stopping to realize that you are broken and need to be mended.
Without crashing into any scary guys.
Without going off the tracks and having to get back on again.

And then... and then there are the lucky ones who wait forever for the guy to come, and when the guy finally arrives, they realize it is the wrong one.
And they keep on waiting.
Waiting and dating.
And it takes those poor folks forever to get to their destination.

What's the payoff?
I'm not sure.
Perhaps by the time they arrive at marriage they are more mature, perhaps they know how lucky they are to have found such a  phenomenal spouse?
Perhaps they aren't so happy because they have times where they wish they could have married the other twenty dates that dumped them.

And perhaps... perhaps it is about the journey... and not the destination.

So, I don't know which way for dating is better: express or local...


Do you?

Why Shadchanim Are Absolutely Essential

Image: http://agbeat.com

A light bulb went off in my head and I understood why Shadchanim are absolutely vital to the Shidduch process.

The more charedi the dating system goes, the more involved the Shadchan is in the dating system.

The Shadchan speaks between both parties to set the dates up.
Some shadchanim are still setting the 7th and 8th dates.
If one of the youngsters has a concern, he/she discusses it with the shadchan.
And many of my friends will tell the shadchan when they are ready to pull the plug and marry the person they are dating, and the shadchan will check with the other side to see if they are as ready as the rest of the crew and whether popping the question should be done the next night or three nights from now.

The shadchan's involvement prevents the dating individuals from communicating with each other. If they were to discuss things directly, they would get into disagreements, and many would not get married in the end. 
Therefore, if people are to marry, the involvement of matchmakers in the shidduch process is absolutely vital. 

Often times, parents will look into the prospective match, there will be just enough dates to see if there is a possibility to spark chemicals between the two, and walla, then there is the engagement followed by the most intense gedarim and separation to prevent any fights from chas veshalom erupting all under the guise of shomer negiah protection, and then the couple gets married, and then... life starts.

Issues come up, and fights break out, but hey, don't worry. The couple is married already. They're stuck with each other for better or worse. They'll figure it out.

Basically, without Shadchanim, people would never end up getting married.