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Wow... Wow... Wow....
That was quite an attack!
Thank you aminspiration. I said no because we were not compatible.
The put together comment just put my thoughts together.
In response to Cymbaline's comment to my previous post whether one date is enough to know if you don't want to marry the guy.
Most people will call me harsh and Ish Yehudi will kill me but I do think that quite often you can know if it's a no very soon.
"I might not know what I want but I definitely know that I do not want this," is the philosophy that I would apply to this case.
If you go out with a guy, and at the end of three hours you have no particular desire to see this person again, in my humble opinion, you shouldn't marry this person.
If you went out, and he is sort of cute, and kind of nice, and you aren't head over heels, but you totally wouldn't mind spending another three hours with him, that is when you say yes to a second date.
I think with all the people dating out there, it shouldn't be insulting or extraordinarily judgmental of someone to say no after a first date. From all the guys out there, you will probably end up with one (two or three max).
Guys, take a chill pill, try to have fun. If you can't have fun with a particular individual, you don't have to force yourself through another date with them. It is not fair to you, and definitely not fair to them. Someone else will find them extremely entertaining. And it is okay if that somebody isn't you.
Unless you are incapable of having fun. In which case please see a therapist.
I totally agree! I say, you keep going out, until you have a reason not to go out anymore.
ReplyDeleteUnless you find a fault in the person, that'll make you not like em you continue dating.
You don't have to have a 'love at first sight' business over here, but you do have to be able to keep a conversation flowing, and enjoy to some extent going out with them.
One of my closest friends married a woman he said "no" to the first time she was suggested. And he said he wasn't interested after the first date. And the second. He wasn't sure after the third either.
ReplyDeleteI just wonder why people are so quick to make a judgment. Sure, sometimes a lack in conversation can be excruciating. Yes, it's a pain to be out with someone who seems self-absorbed because they keep going on and on about themselves. Sure, if the man/woman says or does something that seems ridiculous, it can be really off-putting.
Why can't we either (a) call them out on it or (b) wait and see if that's really who they are?
Some people are petrified of speaking in public, and don't show their true selves in that arena. Some people are afraid of being judged. Some people jabber away when they're nervous, and get nervous when they like someone. Some people get anxious in social scenes. And some people act in those ways when they're out on a date. Everyone's got insecurities, and they all come out in dating.
Look, I get that sometimes it seems abundantly clear that dating will go nowhere with the person, and it seems like a waste of your time and their time to keep giving it another shot.
If I can use a metaphor, perhaps it's like saying we'd give a stutterer one chance to finish their sentence before deciding they don't have anything intelligent to say and ending the conversation; because if they did, they would have gotten it out already, right? For anyone who doesn't stutter, that might make sense. But there are intelligent people who stutter. Perhaps it reflects on our own impatience more than the intelligence of that person.
I find it amazing how it is so easy for others to judge. You write up a post sharing a dating tale. It was not meant for public approval or permission.
ReplyDeleteReading a couple-paragraph post is not enough to get a gauge of a situation. And the blogosphere is comforting because you can say whatever you want and hide behind the cloak of anonymity. (Seriously, Anonymous of previous post, you couldn't even make up a name?)
It is hard not to get sucked into the "Well no one knows who I am so I can say what I want" allure. But being nasty is unnecessary, especially when you don't even know the circumstances.
Everyone calm down...thats usually what happens in public forum, people voice their opinion.
ReplyDeleteI personally find it hard to give someone one shot. Anyone can have an off day, I know that I have before. I know that if it was me, I would want to be given a second chance. It could be that I have a feeling where this is going to go after the first date, but I go out a second time anyway. I usually think first dates are pretty meaningless, and that all you can get out of a first date is to figure out if the guy is a weirdo or not (which has happened once before, and I gave a very definite NO after the first date). I almost always feel that a second date is a must. I know that no one could have me figured out after 3 hours, so I try not to presume that I can judge someone else after so little time.
can go either way. most pple would say give it a second time. maybe the conversation was slow, etc. nerves, but if no then no. it should be one closer to the right one. rachelli
ReplyDeleteNo one should tell TJG she is wrong for ending things after 1 date. It's her decision and her decision alone. She has to do what is right for her. It is none of our business, it's her life.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, don't condemn a guy for giving a compliment on a date. Even if it may have come out awkward, unwarranted, or just flat out bad timing. A compliment is a compliment. Dating and charming is a finesse art... Some guys just need more practice to pull it off better.
i agree that people have been unkind to TJG following her little post recently. TJG should be applauded for her refreshing honesty in a sea of phonies....
ReplyDeleteMy personal philosophy was that since first dates are never magical, I would always do a second date unless there was something very, very wrong/off.
ReplyDeleteThe few times that this happened, there was either a HUGE hashkafic mismatch - tot the point where we were respectfully arguing, with the clear conclusion that we could never accept the other's views (ex:she thought the only kind of kiruv was black-hat brainwashing) or, the physical attraction was not there at all - if I wasn't repulsed, I always gave it a second try, because people's looks can grow on you as you get to know them more.
The person could also be entirely obnoxious, rude, or clearly demonstrate other negative characteristics that would be worthy of being dropped, because odds are they aren't going to change for marriage.
So yes, ending things after one date is appropriate, but use with caution unless the situation absolutely warrants it.
Princess Lea - she WROTE A POST AND BLOGGED ABOUT - thus yes, it IS up for public opinion. If you don't want the whole world opining on it, don't post it.
ReplyDeleteTJG - you said urself u liked him, that he was a good guy. And he seemed to like you. i'm not talking about Dating Disaster 101.
Perhaps you are lucky enough to date so many wonderful guys that u can live with p[assing up a potential./ Sadly not everyone is as lucky.