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Just because he dumped you, doesn't mean he is a jerk.
Although, between me you and the lamp post, of course he is a jerk.
Even if the guy has some amazing qualities, the fact that he let you go, we aren't talking about anyone here, this is you. That very fact makes every guy who dumps a girl a jerk. Sorry, just the way it is.
Once when a guy and I were breaking up, the guy said:
"I still respect you very much and hope that you will think highly of me too."
I was stunned.
"No thank you. The reason you have to think nicely of me because you are the idiot who can't commit. And I am definitely not promising to think highly of you, thank you very much."
And while I'm at it, I think that the reason people say "Let's just be friends" when they dump is because they don't want to make it to your black list.
Nice try, we can be best friends. You are still one huge idiotic tuches.
Now, to respond to anonymous out there (who might technically be an ex),
yes, I have broken up with people and am willing to pay the price.
I don't break up with guys and then smile, bat my eyelashes and say: please, think highly of me...
Have you ever broken up with someone of your own volition? Didn't you want him to still think highly of you, even though you decided the relationship wasn't going further?
ReplyDeleteYou may be trying to say more, but the way this post is written, I don't understand it at all.
Um, I don't get it. If you aren't good for each other, say due to some hashkafic issue one of you just can't compromise on or something, how does that make anyone a jerk? Would you rather he go through with it knowing it wouldn't work?
ReplyDeleteI second the motion.
DeleteI third.
Deleteyou're all missing the point. she is not saying it's rational. she's saying that if you are invested in someone and he makes the call to break it off, no matter how logical that move is (and frequently, you don't even have the comfort of it feeling logical), you're going to feel hurt. so him asking her to "think highly of him" anyway, when there is pain and hurt involved, is selfish and unrealistic. you pulled the plug on this (and it seems, without consulting the girl or trying to make it work in other ways) - for the sake of my own dignity and self-esteem, i may need to think you are a jerk, and you just have to accept that that's part of the risk.
ReplyDeleteI agree. If someone breaks up with you, you still liked him and you clearly think he is incredible, it will only be that much harder to get over him. It is important to notice the flaws of the person and keep reminding yourself that he is/was not for you (I've written about this in more detail on my blog). So thinking "omg he was so sweet and nice" is not going to help you get over him. And honestly, that is the priority. To be able to close that door, to heal, to recuperate emotionally, and move forward. Perhaps in a while you can go back and think of him as a nice guy, but you have to first completely internalize that he was not so great, not so special, not so amazing, and not so perfect, since after all, he was not for you...he let you go.
ReplyDeleteWhile it's okay to realize a person isn't perfect, tearing them down to reduce the pain isn't a virtue, it's immature.
DeleteGetting over him requires recognizing that it's over, dealing with and processing the pain of the ended relationship. It can be quite painful, and it's not easy to cope with.
But berating another person is an awful thing to do in order to avoid having to deal with the pain. There's no (Torah) value in it.
As to the OP, it's painful.
ReplyDeleteClearly, having the other person ask for you to think positively of them when you're upset and hurt isn't the most tactful thing to do. Hearing that in the moment may seem backwards and add to the burden of trying to move on.
Do we have to take them at their word? Do we have to immediately commit to always seeing them as perfect?
Ehhhh.
I think the guy may have just been trying to communicate that how you think/feel about him is still important to him. Could be flattering, actually. He still cares about your regard for him.
Or he has absolutely zero self esteem and relies on the worlds opinion for mere survival
DeleteNo offense, but I think if there is anyone here lacking self esteem it is you. The guy can think you are an awesome person, but simply does not think you are meant to be his lifelong partner. He lets you know that he doesnt think marriage will work, but lets you know that he still thinks youre a great person and would love to remain friends. You, lacking self esteem, interpreted the break up to mean you suck and therefore take his saying that he wants to be friends as him patting you head saying "Mamaleh, please dont cry". If you had self value then maybe you would take his statement for what it actually was, an attempt to be friendly.
DeleteYou've clearly never been broken up with (by someone that you really/actually liked).
Delete