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Get married before the relationship fizzles out.
When I was going out with a certain individual and we got to the point where we were introducing each other to friends and family (hint hint getting serious) an older relative of mine met us and chatted us up as a couple for awhile.
Finally, after assessing us for all we are worth, he took me to the corner and said the following:
“I could see there is potential, so make sure to get engaged and married before the relationship fizzles out.”
Now I was standing there dumbfounded, not knowing exactly how to respond to the order I just received from the self proclaimed general Eisenhower to get married as soon as possible.
It took me a few days to realize why I was unhappy with what he told me.
Despite his best wishes, my relative was telling me that the relationship was bound to fall apart, and I must make sure that it falls apart after I am married and trapped.
I was furious. If the relationship will fizzle out, let it fizzle out before we commit, let us both be free.
The relationship did fizzle out, and I am still here and still single writing this blog.
Do all relationships fizzle out eventually? If people dated for a long enough time, would no one ever get married?
I guess it might depend on a persons objective.
1) If a person wants to get married, then definitely, go ahead and marry fast before anything disastrous can happen.
2) If the objective is to find a person you can truly live with and lead the life of your dream with, then I would imagine waiting might be worth your while, even though the path is fraught with uncertainty.
No relationship is perfect. Every relationship is going to have obstacles in the roads, and i guess, the question of it "fizzling out" is when you are unable to deal or overcome these obstacles.
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence#cite_ref-17
ReplyDeletehttp://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0306453003001616
http://www.profcanterbury.com/upload/Lust%20and%20Attraction.pdf
Leave it to the older relatives to make those comments that make you wonder how they came to the conclusion that they had 'wisdom' to share...
ReplyDeleteAs for the comment-
Let me state that I am by no means an expert on marriage, as I only have a little over a year of marriage under my belt. Thank god my husband is a wonderful guy and I feel very blessed- though I will always add that had I met him at 20, 22, or 24 I never would have given him a chance because he wasn't 'cool' enough for me.
I did have my share of every kind of courting experience- shidduch date, casual cup of coffee, hotel lobby, singles shabbatons, etc- as well as several serious relationships.
Now, what does the word "fizzle" mean, and is it always something bad?
I think that generally speaking, when a relationships fizzles and loses what it once had, you are no longer operating in the present and future tense. You're already in the nostalgia mode for how much you liked each other when it started out, or how great things were going. That type of feeling is not a good place to be, and yes is a sign that perhaps the relationship was not meant to be.
On the other hand, I am happy that when I met my husband and we became serious, certain aspects fizzled. For example, when we first met I barely did any work at my job cuz I was lovesick, I operated on 3 hours of sleep, and my mind was moving so fast as I was speeding to the future. Now that we are married, I am still obsessed with my husband and love him like crazy, but I'm not infatuated like when I first met him. I see his flaws and feel more of my 'normal' self compared to when I first met him.
You asked if people would not get married if they dated for a long, long time, and I think the answer is yes and no. I think that the Jewish community will always hold marriage as the end goal to strive for, regardless of how long a couple has been together and is committed. It's how we recognize people as a unit in a community. However, I do think that the longer you date, the more you get comfortable with that easy in-between, and the harder it becomes to fully commit. I'm not talking right now about people who can't get married to each other for pragmatic reasons (financial, school, distance, etc.). I'm talking about two people who are in the position to get married in the near future.
Like most things in relationships, there's no blanket statement. But I will tell you one thing in response to your statement that you should get out and be free before it fizzles. Every relationship has its ups and downs, and times where things may feel more passionate. In a dating relationship, you may interpret that as a sign that the relationship isn't right, whereas in marriage you see it as just part of the bigger picture of what it means to love someone even when you don't feel thinking of anyone else but yourself. Unfortunately our society today has a tendency to bolt from relationships the second it loses its passion; but what many people fail to realize is that no relationship is fun 24/7, that things will never be perfect, and true love may be suspected during dating but is only nurtured after marriage.