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A friend and I developed this theory that the worst types of break-ups are the ones you can't see coming.
Basically if you are going out with a guy and he is all into you, texts you all the time and tells you what an awesome time he is having with you, when he dumps you, you feel a million times more idiotic than you would if he would have acted pareve and would have just ended it by saying he didn't feel it.
The feeling of being tricked is so harmful. It makes the person feel gross and like an idiot who fell for yet another dating trap.
Do you think it is better for someone to act as if it's on 100% until it's off, or is it better to act as one feels?
I've been dumped with no warning and dumped with warning, and each one came with its' own advantages and disadvantages.
ReplyDeleteThere was a guy who dumped me after bringing me to a friends' Sheva Brachot and meeting his chevra for the first time. Things had been choppy for some time and he was one of those guy who's emotionally constipated-- didn't know how to express himself and couldn't even squeeze out a "you look nice" or "this was fun". And we had talked about his doubts (we were dating about two months)......but when he invited me to come to the Sheva Brachot I assumed that he must have turned a corner, otherwise he wouldn't have suggested a place to meet his friends and have our public 'debut' as a couple.
A different guy I dated really sucked me in, telling me how into me he was etc etc etc. He then dumped me out of the blue- and yes looking back I am so so so happy he did because I still see him from time to time and he's never made much of himself- but gosh was that painful. I felt totally manipulated and played, and when I met my now-husband it took me a while to feel safe in the relationship after being being so banged up emotionally from this other one.
I'm not sure where I was going with this, but one thing I can see in retrospect is that the lack absence of communication makes all the difference. If that second guy I mentioned had given me some warning- even to say, 'listen I've been thinking about things and not comfortable with how things are going', at least I could have understood where he was coming from. Because there wasn't that discussion, every insecurity I have came to the surface, and I hated myself.
I think the first scenario you described can be so painful long-term....I saw this my own experiences that being burned like that made it difficult for me to trust future people. I'd assume God was teasing me once again and that this guy would also wake up one day and dump me.
Now I look back and realize that all the times where I felt like God was teasing me and saying no to my davening, really He was saying, "patience my child, I know you think I don't care about you, but trust me, I have something way better for you when you're ready for it".
Alas, here I am married to b"h an amazing guy who I never would have appreciated at an earlier point in my life......My blessing to you is that one day- whenver that day may be- you will meet the person that makes you relate to the words of the Rascal Flatts song "God Bless The Broken Road".
Stay strong. Keeping loving yourself. Do good for others. And pray.
That was awesome, who are you?
DeleteThanks, Princess Lea!
DeleteI hear you on the bumpy road anaology, but keep in mind that life is rarely a totally smooth path. Relationships are complex and always take work; what you see on OnlySimchas or Facebook doesn't have a disclaimer that says "warning: romances displayed involve more effort than appears".....
I think a common myth is that when you meet 'the one' (whether 'the one' exists is a different discussion), it will be a smooth ride from start to finish. The thing is though, the Chuppah is not a finish line...it's actually just the starting line. We human beings, especially modern day educated Jewish women, are complicated, and it's important to keep that in mind.
In fact, come to think of it-- some of my 'smoothest' beginnings with guys, the ones where it just seemed to totally click with instant chemistry (OMG how we're like on the same page about EVERYTHING!!!!)- those ended up bombing the worst.
I like to look at from the following perspective: My years of dating drama have led me to a place in my life where things are relatively drama-free. That doesn't mean there aren't bumps and rough patches, but the level of drama has been reduced. And that's a miracle, because whereas when I was younger I wished that my life would be as exciting as a movie, now I pray that it continues to be too boring to be a movie. It took maturing to get here, but gosh does it feel good to be content living in the mediums of life.
woops sorry about that--
DeleteThanks Tania,
I'm just a regular gal who's learned a thing or two from dating...
i do not know who you are , thinking Jewish Woman, but your post made me cry. Yours are words of pure truth.
ReplyDeletethanks so much!!!!!!
DeleteTJW: What a wonderful story! It reflects my theory that those bumps in the road lead to a smooth path in the end. (My metaphors are coming our garbled, but hopefully my point got across).
ReplyDeleteThanks, Princess Lea!
DeleteI hear you on the bumpy road anaology, but keep in mind that life is rarely a totally smooth path. Relationships are complex and always take work; what you see on OnlySimchas or Facebook doesn't have a disclaimer that says "warning: romances displayed involve more effort than appears".....
I think a common myth is that when you meet 'the one' (whether 'the one' exists is a different discussion), it will be a smooth ride from start to finish. The thing is though, the Chuppah is not a finish line...it's actually just the starting line. We human beings, especially modern day educated Jewish women, are complicated, and it's important to keep that in mind.
In fact, come to think of it-- some of my 'smoothest' beginnings with guys, the ones where it just seemed to totally click with instant chemistry (OMG how we're like on the same page about EVERYTHING!!!!)- those ended up bombing the worst.
I like to look at from the following perspective: My years of dating drama have led me to a place in my life where things are relatively drama-free. That doesn't mean there aren't bumps and rough patches, but the level of drama has been reduced. And that's a miracle, because whereas when I was younger I wished that my life would be as exciting as a movie, now I pray that it continues to be too boring to be a movie. It took maturing to get here, but gosh does it feel good to be content living in the mediums of life.
I think that one should always be honest with ones feeling toward another. Because it always hurts more when taken by surprise. I actually wrote about something marginally related here: http://thefrumgeek.blogspot.com/2012/01/i-recently-ran-into-kid-in-my.html (I have yet to date, so take my words with a grain of salt.)
ReplyDelete