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My friend wrote this poem in the subway coming back from yet another date with yet another great guy who sounded really awesome but where things just didn't click. Sometimes I wonder what's worse--to have been in love, to have experienced its magic, but also the pain that comes with a broken heart? Or is it more painful to feel untouched by the great experience that is love?
I say I want to fall in love.
I want it all--the fairy tale ending, the tall dark and handsome (and intelligent and responsible and sensitive and progressive and successful) prince to sweep me off my feet. I want to hear romantic music in every thought, to think of my beloved with every heartbeat.To be thought of just as frequently. I want easy uncomplicated passion, long walks by the beach, shared goals and values. I want overflowing laughter, glittering eyes, holding hands, picture perfect moments. I want to be one with another, to experience a harmonious union of two minds, bodies and souls. I want happily ever after, forever and for always, everlasting love, beauty and youth. I want to fall in love.
But I dream to be in love.
The Prince does not exist. The best one can hope for is someone who strives to be The Prince, though he'll never reach it. But I see your friend realizes this.
ReplyDeleteShe puts it so well. I fantasize about my own home, dealing with my own kids, washing greasy pots and the crayon the kid scribbled all over the wall. When the husband forgets, yet again, to take out the garbage.
ReplyDeleteThe boring everyday marriage is what I look forward to.
What a poignant, articulate portrayal of the conflict that challenges many women when seeking a mate.
ReplyDeleteFalling in love is the easier part of the two, and it can come and go as fast as a weekend or summer fling. The thing is, it has less to do with the guy and more to do with the butterflies in our stomach. The fact that we don't need as much sleep. Or instantly lose ten pounds. Or never feel sad or hopeless about life, because it feels like we've hit the light at the end of the tunnel of darkness.
And then it's over and we are left with all the emotional remnants that will follow us even years later. That song on the radio. That favorite restaurant. That inside joke. We may not miss the person or have the desire to be with them, and are hopefully totally at peace with no longer being togther. Yet, those reminders still pop up randomly.
Really being in love, however, is a totally different level that you can't just experience from dating someone. It's the product of time, investment, hope, and never jumping ship no matter how tough things may get. It's the loyalty and commitment of preferring to be with that someone through hard times, rather than being with someone else through good times.
But take a look again at the words of the part of about being in love. Notice how it's all about 'I want'. Never does it mention the word 'need' or 'give'. Perhaps that is the difference between falling in love and being in love.
When you're falling in love, you feel like you're getting everything you've ever wanted in a man. But being in love is when you realize that you wake up with a contentness that you never had while dating. In dating, we so caught up in what we 'want' in a man that we sometimes forget the things we really 'need'. We 'want' someone cool, but at the end of the day, we 'need' someone who is kind. We 'want' someone who is tall dark and handsome, but we 'need' someone who is gonna be there to hold us and massage our back. We 'want' someone who is rich, but we 'need' someone who will provide for us.
'Want' comes from our fantasy world; our years of playing dress up, watching romantic comedies, and reading novels. 'Need' comes from self-reflection, honestly, and emotionally removing ourselves from the influences that tell us we can 'do better'.
When it comes to being and staying in love, it's all about giving. A plant grows when it's watered regularly; sunlight isn't enough. As you said, love is indeed a verb; in practical terms, it means giving in ways we have never given before. And the amazing thing is that at a certain point, it actually feels better to give the gift than receive it.
A lot of couples look back on dating with nostalgia because that when it felt fresh and new. The compliments and gifts came naturally. Unfortunately, some couples stop doing that when they get married, and then they're frustrated when it feels like they've lost their spark.
When I was single, I found that often people recommended that I should 'put myself' first-- perhaps it was a self-preservation thing. But looking back, it was the acts of kindness for others that I think made me more prepared for the giving nature of marriage. The same way when you do chesed it's not about the 'thank you' that you get but it's about the growth and the good you contribute, the same goes with marriage. Yes, the 'thank you' is SO important and is what keeps people emotionally connected and feeling appreciated, but it's the act itself-- the sense of doing something for your spouse because you want them to be happy and make their life easier-- that's how being in love can transform us into living on a level that is more than we could have ever imagined.
"Love lifts us up where we belong". There aren't always eagles flying on a mountain high, but it's still worth it.