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For some odd reason I am often plagued with guilt when I want to say no to someone I'm dating.
I feel like I am not giving the guy a "real"shot.
I feel like I am not getting to know the actual person.
I feel like I am harsh and quick in judgement.
And if I would end it with every guy after two-three dates, perhaps concern is the appropriate feeling.
But I've been in some actual relationships.
There are many guys out there and I am not required to give every guy in the world a full fledged relationship just like they aren't required to give me one.
I have a right to trust my gut at least a little bit.
If something freaks or creeps me out or makes me extremely uncomfortable, I don't have to tell myself that the feelings aren't based on real facts and that I have to date to find out.
If a guy's avoiding eye contact or if he stares at me in a way which makes me squirm in my seat, I don't have to find out if it is a red flag or if it is just my imagination and insecurities intensified...
If someone is overly friendly with my friend in a way which makes me unsafe and I know that I don't get that feeling with everyone, it is perfectly justifiable to stop dating them before the whole shebang becomes a relationship.
I don't have to figure everything out. It is okay to just leave things after a little bit because I simply don't want to begin a relationship when there are so many question marks and discomforts at the very start.
If there are so many things off in the first two dates and the story is already a complicated one, I don't owe it to anyone to "work things out". We aren't married or something.
People say that when it's the right one, things are simpler and lighter. Well, I want to feel some of that ease and lightness rather than sinking in dark, deep and heavy issues which have to be worked on.
I think it is fine to trust one's gut to an extent.
And I don't know why despite all of that, I still feel overwhelmed with guilt every time I say no.
Your rationale makes a lot of sense, and is, indeed the appropriate way to think and respond to these unsettling feelings you get on these dates. I agree that not every person you go out with deserves a relationship, and it seems like you have your "head on straight" when it comes to these matters.
ReplyDeleteWith regard to the overwhelming guilt, I'm not sure if I can offer any soothing advice. Knowing that you're doing the right thing can boost your confidence a bit. Also, take comfort in the fact that it is much safer and less problematic to end things early when you see those red flags rather than prolonging things and getting more involved - as you know from experience.
It can sometimes help to directly address this sort of stuff, as a rebbe of mine once said "if you have a taina on someone, don't go ask his friends, ask him directly." But it may not be warranted in a lot of these cases.
You feel guilt because you very much want to be married, and know that by turning someone down, you are "sabotaging" that goal. But you are not. You want to be HAPPILY married, & there is a huge difference! I could always tell if someone was "just not right", and quickly,too. My mother and all her friends accused me - even to my face! - of being too picky. I didn't find out until my wedding (to a man I knew in our very first date that I was going to marry) that they really had been expecting me to settle on someone long before then, & only *at my wedding* did they concede that I had been right to wait (I'm still laughing about this, 19 years later!). Do not ignore your gut, you are doing the right thing.
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