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What in the world am I supposed to do with former love letters?
Should i create a bonfire for them, or should i publish them after my death?
Are they a testament to falsehood?
Are they a reminder that there is no point in trusting again?
When I dated someone a few years ago, we had a whole romantic correspondence.
I knew that the letters we wrote each other were unique and that I would one day enjoy reading them and showing them to our grandchildren.
I stored the letters in a special email folder...
Alas, the relationship did not work out and we didn't get married, and yet, despite the break-up I never deleted the letters.
I never really looked back and reread them, but knowing that they were there was somehow comforting.
Consciously, I was thinking that I might use them one day to write a novel...
Subconsciously, I probably didn't want to let go.Forward a year. I was dating someone else, and things started getting serious, we started using the M word in conversations, and I knew that I should probably delete the emails.
With a heavy heart and a strong sense of duty, I logged in and clicked delete.
I went to the trash folder and deleted them from there as well.
Everything would be fine, except that the relationship with the next guy also fell apart.
And now I was still single, and on top of that I didn't have the love letters from guy 1.
Apparently, I used to be quite smart, and I envisioned myself doing what I did because this week when I was looking through old files and books, I found a folder with all the emails printed out and stored in order.
I was so grateful to the me of two years ago for taking that precaution. Maybe I still would be able to produce a novel someday.
I spent some good hours looking through the files. I smiled at times, laughing at how naive I could have been to believe what he said, shocked at others by things emanating from my own fingertips, and sad at times over the fate the relationship took on, the pain endured, and the innocence of the first romance lost.
Now, I have letters from more men. And in a way, I am so blessed to have these souvenirs to remind me when I am going through a dry spell, that there are times when it rains, and there are times when it pours.
Do I keep them or do I throw them to the winds?
I can tell you that I would be VERY hesitant to date a girl who still held on to mementos from a previous relationship. That means she's still somewhat attached. Still hasn't entirely moved on.
ReplyDeleteDude, U rule! Sayin it the way it is!
DeleteFrum geek- how would you know about it? People don't blurt these things out on a first date for good reason. And, based on your blog posts I would assume that you have never been in this situation and don't know how hard it may be for some to let go and move on. I would admire someone who has the strength to delete, move on and forget. It's not easy. I can see why you would hesitate. Yes, if someone has not entirely moved on they probably should not date someone else.
ReplyDeleteThen again, maybe you were just the one she was waiting for.
I never said it was easy. I'm sure it's not. But it is the smarter, and healthier thing to do. But if I ever got serious with a girl and found out somehow she still had them (and I actually DO know girls who keep mementos from relationships past, so if I know, they're not really making any effort to hide it) I would most certainly begin having second thoughts, no matter how wonderful this girl seemed.
DeleteThis is just an anonymous guy's perspective. Take it as you will.
Keep them for as long as they are a part of you, and let your own heart be a guide. You don't need to get rid of them just to prove that you have moved on from the guys you dated; as much as they are reminders of them, they reminders of you--who you were, who you used to be. Don't force yourself to erase the old you if you still love her.
ReplyDeleteDon't get rid of them just to prove that you've moved on from the other guys. Get rid of them so you CAN move on from those other guys. Because if you still have them, then in some way you really don't want to let them go. But for a new relationship to work, you'll have to.
Delete@ FrumGeek & @Anon,
ReplyDeleteYou seem to assume that having former letters means you can't let go of a previous relationship and cannot really move on.
My question is: does keeping letters mean you cannot move ahead or does it mean you are just keeping memories from a certain part of your life?
I agree with FrumGeek. For your own benefit, I wouldn't recommend keeping them. I went through a similar thing a few times, and it did take me some time to build up the courage to delete them all permanently. There was definitely a recovery/mourning period where I would read the old emails, reminiscing about the past - but at some point I had to move on and that included letting go of the past and looking forward to a newer and better future.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Frum Geek and Shades of Grey. Keeping such things is not cool. It means you are still attached and that is not very healthy for a new relationship. (Im reminded the saying that when a couple who are both on their second marriages engage in coyness there are 4 people in bed with them as they are both thinking of their first partners.)
ReplyDelete@ Altie, however little experience FG has in the matter really does not make a difference. Keeping love letters is pretty serious baggage which no guy would really want.
I had a bag of letters and momentos from former relationships, and I would them from time to time. Not because I missed the guy, but because it reminded me that I could be loved. In a world where e-mail is the common form of letters, I treasured these letters even more because they were hand-written......letters with real handwriting, aromas, doodles are rare these days.
ReplyDeleteOne of the exes had even given me back all of the letters I had given him; he had said that if he had them he'd keep reading them (I was the one who couldn't commit) and that the physical reminders were just too painful.
When I met my husband and were unofficially engaged, I disposed of the letters as I packed up my room in the Heights; he was there helping me and I didn't hide the fact that the letters hadn't been thrown out. It didn't bother him that I had held on to them, because he knew that I loved him and had chosen to marry him and not any of the other guys. And the disposal process was my way of saying, 'I don't need these anymore to connect to that part of my past....my present and future are what I've been waiting for'.
I also didn't want my kids to find my old love letters from other men. Those letters were passionate and emotional, and while I certainly don't plan on lying to my kids and saying their father was my first boyfriend, there was a lot that happened in my life that they don't need to know about, let alone read about. I'm not trying to re-write history; I'm just choosing which artifacts to carry with me.
G-d willing, my kids can read the love letters between me and their dad and see how the love story evolved into a happy beginning.
Looking back, do I think holding onto the letters prevented me from moving on? Do I think it was unfair of me to hold on to them while pursuing new relationships? Maybe. It's easy for me to say my way was fine because everything worked out in the end, but I 100% understand some of the previous comments from men who expressed concern over it.
I suspect a double-standard when it comes to this topic; most women would feel EXTREMELY threatened if a guy held on to letters from an ex (OMG do you think she's prettier than me?), but expect a guy to be ok with the fact that they're holding onto letters from exes.
I can assure you it most certainly DID bother your husband somewhat, if he showed it or not. There is no way it wouldn't.
DeleteI stand corrected in my assumption that it didn't bother him. You may be right, and I may have been self-centered when I was single to that through.
DeleteAnd what if Tania wants the letters for fodder for her future novel, as she suggests? Why is every keepsake automatically a psychological barrier to moving on? Surely it is sometimes, but will depend on both the individual and the specific circumstances.
ReplyDeleteFor the record - I'm female and would not be threatened by a guy who has kept the trappngs of his past as a sign that he hadn't moved on...unless he actually hadn't (in which case, the old letters would be the least of my concern).
"Keeping love letters is pretty serious baggage which no guy would really want."
ReplyDeleteOkay, and let's theorize. What would be considered a healthy waiting period after you have 'broken up' with someone or are done with them, where it is okay to hold on to them? Like after how long does it change from being 'well this is my healing period to get over them' to 'oh man I will never get over them I will hold on forever'?
5 days? A week? A month? Anybody?
As soon as you decide it's time to start going out again.
DeleteMy point is that holding on to letters doesn't necessarily mean one isn't over someone.
ReplyDeleteYou keep pictures from a vacation which is over because that is a part of your life even if not your present life.
You could get over someone without eradicating the past, can't you?
Yes, that's exactly what it means! And talking about a vacation picture is completely different. You can go to Universal and Disney in the same day. You can't do that with two guys! Apples and oranges. You are talking about feelings and emotions. You need to let them go to make room for others. Trust me, future relationships wil improve when you let go of memories of the old ones. Plus men by nature are jealous creatures and will not apriciate the baggage that inevitably comes with mementos of past relationships.
DeleteYeah I gotta agree with FG, comparing it to vacation is really apples and oranges. I've never heard someone feel insecure that maybe their spouse is fantasizing about their trip to Cancun in 2008.
DeleteTanya I agree with you. Sometimes it is nice to read them, to look at pictures, they are memories, they are a part of you. Even if you move on from someone to bigger and better things does not eliminate that person from your life altogether. They are and will always be a part of you in a way.
ReplyDeletePorn is nice to look at too......But don't worry, I *never* compare you to these women or secretly wish you could do what they do.
DeleteHolding on to such things shows on weakness. And an unwillingness to move forward. The comparison to vacation pictures is pathetic at best. To all y'all, get a grip.
ReplyDeleteWhat you said!
DeleteWhen my gf broke up with me in college my buddy said I have to get rid of that stuff for two reasons. One it makes it much harder to move on and more importantly two-because you will forever compare the new date to the old date. It is easier not to do that id you do not have a whole box of love letters to reference.
ReplyDeleteLol! Just saw this post! I once went out with a guy or a few months and even though I didn't delete the emails and texts straight away, I waited 2 weeks until I was ready to let go and then i deleted everything because I felt that it was my way of letting go... I was going to save it all in a folder but decided against its there was always the 'what if we start going out again?' but then I figured that even if I do go out again, why do I need memories jf this part of the relationship where we broke up? The burdens far outweigh the benefits!
ReplyDelete