The World Of Frummies: As Perceived by Ilana

Image: http://www.frumsatire.net

My friend, Ilana Rauch, compiled a document where she discusses different controversial issues in the charedi world and how they are dealt with.

I have been following the development of this document over the past few weeks and today, I decided that it is worth sharing with you.

I have pasted the material below. Ilana asked me to stress the fact that the document is in the making and if you have any advice or comments, please do not hesitate and let her know.
Enjoy!
~Tania


Hi - Thanks for opening this up. I sometimes feel tongue-tied when fed a party-line about a controversial or disturbing issue. Accepting the party line was my status quo as I became religious, but I have thankfully learned it is important to examine even the most cherished beliefs with a critical eye. After countless discussions and arguments, and reading and observing for a long time, I decided it might be handy to come up with a list of the common apologetics about controversial religious issues and how common practices bring into doubt the official doctrine. Please let me know what you think, new categories or points I should add, and what your thoughts are on the accuracy of my assessment. I sent this to you because I thought you might find it of interest and have thought of something like this on your own, or would have some clarity to offer me. Thanks a lot.



Tznius

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
Kol kavod bas melech pnima - a Jewish woman should dress and behave like a princess	Women are expected to do all the housework, raise children, and be resigned to a traditional role for a woman more influenced by patriarchy than halacha. This is not princess-like behavior.	The apologetics are true here. Women have a special dignity and should nurture it, and men should be aware of it and accommodating, recognizing patriarchal roles do not necessarily foster this view of women.
Women are covering their bodies so that it won’t distract from their inner glory	Women are not expected or encouraged to learn Torah or share Torah with men (although it is somehow tznius for men to share Torah with women). Their minds and souls are only religiously relevant when it comes to the menial tasks of running a home and caring for young children.	Women indeed should dress with dignity so as not to distract from more important and valuable qualities. Women should be given leadership roles in the community and ideas developed by women should be given special honor. Women should be encouraged to share and learn more Torah to offer to the common discourse: at shuls, Shabbos tables, sefarim/commentaries, etc.
Women don’t have an ego problem like men do, and are therefore the superior sex	Women are discouraged from having careers or voting because it would mean allowing their ego to get the better of them - that’s why, for some reason, these tasks are assigned to the sex with the ego problem.	Precisely because women seek power and prestige with less alacrity than men, women should be considered first for community roles, to have high powered careers with titles than honor their knowledge and expertise, and should be able to vote alongside their male counterparts.
Covering one’s hair makes it something special for your husband.	The most religious are encouraged not to show their hair to their husbands, even in the bedroom. This is considered to be the height of modesty.	Modesty has different rules between a husband and wife. It is a misuse of this concept to apply it to a marriage.

Learning

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
Learning elevates the learner’s mind and the world	Content and kavannah are deemphasized in favor of covering ground; retention is not a priority, nor are ethics or personal judgment, as one is supposed to follow unquestionably the judgment of his superiors	Learning should be about content instead of covering ground. This will ensure the values of Judaism do not become perverted through non-intentional application and interpretation. Personal judgment should be a top priority, with the Torah used as a tool and precedent for G-dly wisdom.
G-d’s Will is manifest through a Psak of a learned man (one with dayanus)	Some people or communities are given psakim that are clearly misguided. One is also allowed to openly dismiss or criticize as long it is not one’s personal Rabbanim.	A system of criticizing (in the na’aseh v’nishma paradigm) should be available. One must have room to express discomfort or frustration at a psak without losing respect for the position, even if it is not one’s personal Rav

Birth Control

Apologetics	Reality	Suggested Reconciliation
Each baby brings financial blessing into the home.	Ultra-Orthodox Jews are among the most poverty stricken social groups in both the US and Israel.	Financial concerns should be a legitimate reason to avoid a pregnancy. If a couple cannot care for their child, they should not bring it into the world. If they wish to educate it in a private  Jewish school, they have to be prepared to pay tuition. Babies  are not born with wads of cash in their hands. The reality is far  more persuasive than the apologetics in this scenario, unless  we are talking about something spiritual, in which case the  apologetics need to be reworded.
It is insulting to suggest that using discretion and judgment in the usage birth control (“family planning”) is wise, because it is like suggesting the propriety of retroactive genocide of most frum people (who were part of very large families).	Birth control is allowed in some cases, so virtually any woman who has taken birth control (including those who would be risking a dangerous pregnancy) must hate children and have a vendetta against large frum families.	Family planning should be an admirable venture, as children  are precious and should be happily anticipated and the parents  should feel reasonably confident of their ability to provide for the  child.
The status quo must always be the following: a woman must ask for a heter for birth control, and everyday concerns like finances for private schools and Yom Tov, the varying attention spans and patience levels that exist among different parents, are not legitimate reasons to avoid a baby at a particular point in the parent’s life. These issues will work themselves out in the end.	Private Jewish schools are crumbling due to lack of funds and the refusal or resistance to homeschooling if finances are an issue. There are a limited amount of hours in the day, and a woman who gives birth every 1 ½ years will not have the time to devote to children besides for basic necessities such as nursing, making dinner, giving baths, and damage control in terms of behavior. Parents with spaced or fewer children have time to help with homework and enhance the mitzvah of chinuch through their money and time, focusing on quality rather than quantity and the mitzvos that come with pru u’revu.	Maintaining the status quo will put at risk any child not born to a woman who is thrilled to focus on family alone and spend her  entire pre-menopasual life pregnant or caring for a small child.  Any woman who experiences resentment or is overwhelmed  with this hectic, unrelenting lifestyle need not think it is her religious  duty to succumb to it. Any parents who wish to focus on quality  over quantity in child rearing should recognize this is not less  religious a priority.
Older kids can help with the younger kids, so having a big family isn’t as overwhelming as it may seem.	Older/oldest kids who are forced into being the additional parents in the family come to resent it and resist building large families of their own due to mental exhaustion and resistance to the enormous responsibilities it comes with.	Parents should never expect their children to have adult  responsibilities at a young age.
One may not ever use their personal judgment about when to have a child, even though the halacha for pru u’revu doesn’t extend past 1 boy and 1 girl (or a different combination depending on the source).	One may use their personal judgment about when to get married, even though there are explicit halachas that indicate a cut-off date.	Based on Rabbinic precedent, rabbis should advise their  community’s youth that they should choose a wise time to  have children based on their relationship and place in life. (http://www.yctorah.org/component/option,com_docman /task,doc_view/gid,1398/)
It is not a woman’s obligation to procreate.	A woman is committing a sin by not trying to conceive a child, even if the birth control she uses does not present a zera l’vatala issue.	Women should be educated about the halachic issues with contraception and their obligations regarding aiding their husbands in procreation, without being given false blanket statements about their obligations.

Secular Influences

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
Jewish culture is superior to non-Jewish culture.	Cultural practices are arbitrary and do not come with an inherent value attached to them.	It is proper to recognize there has always been a relationship with Jewish and non-Jewish culture. To deny it is to allow inappropriate and non-intentional influences to creep in, inevitably. There is a possibility for us to “elevate” non-Jewish culture, and we should actively seek out the best parts of non-Jewish culture and ideas to make Judaism richer and expand holiness in the world at large.
Influence from non-Jewish culture is at best not religious enough for the seriously religious and at worst an actual sin.	All Jewish language, music, clothing, and food can be directly traced to non-Jewish cultures.	The most “religious” thing one can do is be discriminating yet inclusive of the best of the non-Jewish world.
Non-Jewish music is evil and must be eradicated from our communities.	Misirilou by Dick Dale and The Land Down Under by Men at Work are part of the canon of music played at virtually every Jewish wedding.	Non-Jewish music can be beautiful and spiritually edifying. We should choose without sanctimonious criticism what will enhance our simcha, and not have a “canon” imposed in isolation.
Matisyahu’s music is very bad.	Every other religious musician chooses a genre to copy and does so freely.	Every religious musician SHOULD choose a genre freely, and elevate it. Hip-hop and reggae are not the only genres that can be elevated. Our finger should be on the pulse of contemporary music in order to bring it into the realm of kedusha.
“Beats” are inherently non-Jewish, lead people to move their bodies in a way that is frighteningly undignified, and in general is not an “aidel” thing to have in music.	Rhythm is a human quality that has no moral meaning. Cymbals and drums are mentioned in davening during the Hallelus and it is likely rhythm was used in the Bais Hamikdash. Keeping a beat is positive and life-affirming element of human behavior.	Music should be lively and unrestrained and represent a full expression of human life and celebration.

Insularity

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
It keeps girls innocent to protect them from the facts of life until they get engaged.	Most kids learn about the facts of life far before their teenage years, but without any guidance, context (Jewish or health-wise), or facts.	Jewish education should be unafraid. It should be deliberate and age-appropriate, but it should not infantalize in the name of modesty or propriety, to the detriment of those children and young adults who want to direct their lives to G-dly behavior.