Concerns? Let Me Know

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This is an endless debate I have with family and friends:
If I am dating a guy, and my friends/family see something in him that concerns them, should they let me know?


Now of course, their perspective is that if they tell me and I break up with the guy as a result, then I will see it as their fault, and if I don't break up with the guy and end up marrying him, I will always know my family and friends did not like him. So they feel like they are in a lose lose situation.

And I hear that. I do. Never the less, I think I prefer to know.
I would like to have my eyes wide open before marriage and be able to evaluate every concern and decide if it is one I want to deal with for the rest of my life.

What if I end up marrying him? Will I hold it against my family? No, because I know they had my best interest in mind and they cared. And if I break up later, the fact that they expressed their concerns helped me make up my mind when I finally did decide to end it.

This came up recently because I was with a friend at an event and there were few chairs.
And one of the only available seats was next to this guy who I was going out with that week.
He winked at my friend and told her: "Come on, you know you want to sit next to me."
I was standing there, but I did not hear the comment. And I only found out about it after we broke up.
So I think I would have liked to know. I might have factored it into my decision making process and ended things sooner.

Statistics in Dating

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This is the Statistical Dating Paradox, and I thank my beloved aunt, DB, for bringing it to my attention.

Statistically every guy you go out with will not be the one.

However, one of them does end up being the one...

Almost as difficult as Shakespear's to be or not to be...

It's a little bit like winning the lottery. When you buy a ticket, the probability of it being a winner is one in a million, so it is probably not yours.
However, somewhere out there, there is the winner ticket.

So before going on a date, even though you know that statistically, this guy won't be "the guy", you should still keep on going out because over time, one guy will end up being "the one".

Any sense?

Update on Agunah Issue:

Update on agunah issue:

Someone defending Aharon Friedman keeps trying to comment on the blog anonymously full of venom in defense of Aharon's right to withhold a get, trying to get into the nitty gritty details of the divorce.

The reason I did not post them is because at this point the facts of the initial divorce are not relevant since any person who wants a get should get it regardless of the circumstances. If someone doesn't want to be married, the partner shouldn't hold him against his will. The get should never be used as a weapon.

At this point, the reason for divorce is irrelevant. The marriage has been dead for awhile and the issues of divorce details should be worked out separately for the benefit of all parties. The get is a separate issue and shouldn't be tied in to personal matters. The marriage is over. End it.

Ora was formed as an organization to fight get refusal.

If Aharon is unhappy with custody arrangements, he has the ability to deal with the issues in court on a legal basis. And issues can be dealt with after the get is given. He will always be the father of the child.

Tamar, however, does not have the ability to demand a get through the american court system. Therefore, she is chained to a dead marriage and is at the disposal of her husband's mercy.

Trust yourself: It's Ok To Say No

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For some odd reason I am often plagued with guilt  when I want to say no to someone I'm dating.
I feel like I am not giving the guy a "real"shot.
I feel like I am not getting to know the actual person.
I feel like I am harsh and quick in judgement.

And if I would end it with every guy after two-three dates, perhaps concern is the appropriate feeling.
But I've been in some actual relationships.

There are many guys out there and I am not required to give every guy in the world a full fledged relationship just like they aren't required to give me one.

I have a right to trust my gut at least a little bit.
If something freaks or creeps me out or makes me extremely uncomfortable, I don't have to tell myself that the feelings aren't based on real facts and that I have to date to find out.
If a guy's avoiding eye contact or if he stares at me in a way which makes me squirm in my seat, I don't have to find out if it is a red flag or if it is just my imagination and insecurities intensified...
If someone is overly friendly with my friend in a way which makes me unsafe and I know that I don't get that feeling with everyone, it is perfectly justifiable to stop dating them before the whole shebang becomes a relationship.

I don't have to figure everything out. It is okay to just leave things after a little bit because I simply don't want to begin a relationship when there are so many question marks and discomforts at the very start.

If there are so many things off in the first two dates and the story is already a complicated one, I don't owe it to anyone to "work things out". We aren't married or something.

People say that when it's the right one, things are simpler and lighter. Well, I want to feel some of that ease and lightness rather than sinking in dark, deep and heavy issues which have to be worked on.

I think it is fine to trust one's gut to an extent.
And I don't know why despite all of that, I still feel overwhelmed with guilt every time I say no. 

The World Of Frummies: As Perceived by Ilana

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My friend, Ilana Rauch, compiled a document where she discusses different controversial issues in the charedi world and how they are dealt with.

I have been following the development of this document over the past few weeks and today, I decided that it is worth sharing with you.

I have pasted the material below. Ilana asked me to stress the fact that the document is in the making and if you have any advice or comments, please do not hesitate and let her know.
Enjoy!
~Tania


Hi - Thanks for opening this up. I sometimes feel tongue-tied when fed a party-line about a controversial or disturbing issue. Accepting the party line was my status quo as I became religious, but I have thankfully learned it is important to examine even the most cherished beliefs with a critical eye. After countless discussions and arguments, and reading and observing for a long time, I decided it might be handy to come up with a list of the common apologetics about controversial religious issues and how common practices bring into doubt the official doctrine. Please let me know what you think, new categories or points I should add, and what your thoughts are on the accuracy of my assessment. I sent this to you because I thought you might find it of interest and have thought of something like this on your own, or would have some clarity to offer me. Thanks a lot.



Tznius

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
Kol kavod bas melech pnima - a Jewish woman should dress and behave like a princess	Women are expected to do all the housework, raise children, and be resigned to a traditional role for a woman more influenced by patriarchy than halacha. This is not princess-like behavior.	The apologetics are true here. Women have a special dignity and should nurture it, and men should be aware of it and accommodating, recognizing patriarchal roles do not necessarily foster this view of women.
Women are covering their bodies so that it won’t distract from their inner glory	Women are not expected or encouraged to learn Torah or share Torah with men (although it is somehow tznius for men to share Torah with women). Their minds and souls are only religiously relevant when it comes to the menial tasks of running a home and caring for young children.	Women indeed should dress with dignity so as not to distract from more important and valuable qualities. Women should be given leadership roles in the community and ideas developed by women should be given special honor. Women should be encouraged to share and learn more Torah to offer to the common discourse: at shuls, Shabbos tables, sefarim/commentaries, etc.
Women don’t have an ego problem like men do, and are therefore the superior sex	Women are discouraged from having careers or voting because it would mean allowing their ego to get the better of them - that’s why, for some reason, these tasks are assigned to the sex with the ego problem.	Precisely because women seek power and prestige with less alacrity than men, women should be considered first for community roles, to have high powered careers with titles than honor their knowledge and expertise, and should be able to vote alongside their male counterparts.
Covering one’s hair makes it something special for your husband.	The most religious are encouraged not to show their hair to their husbands, even in the bedroom. This is considered to be the height of modesty.	Modesty has different rules between a husband and wife. It is a misuse of this concept to apply it to a marriage.

Learning

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
Learning elevates the learner’s mind and the world	Content and kavannah are deemphasized in favor of covering ground; retention is not a priority, nor are ethics or personal judgment, as one is supposed to follow unquestionably the judgment of his superiors	Learning should be about content instead of covering ground. This will ensure the values of Judaism do not become perverted through non-intentional application and interpretation. Personal judgment should be a top priority, with the Torah used as a tool and precedent for G-dly wisdom.
G-d’s Will is manifest through a Psak of a learned man (one with dayanus)	Some people or communities are given psakim that are clearly misguided. One is also allowed to openly dismiss or criticize as long it is not one’s personal Rabbanim.	A system of criticizing (in the na’aseh v’nishma paradigm) should be available. One must have room to express discomfort or frustration at a psak without losing respect for the position, even if it is not one’s personal Rav

Birth Control

Apologetics	Reality	Suggested Reconciliation
Each baby brings financial blessing into the home.	Ultra-Orthodox Jews are among the most poverty stricken social groups in both the US and Israel.	Financial concerns should be a legitimate reason to avoid a pregnancy. If a couple cannot care for their child, they should not bring it into the world. If they wish to educate it in a private  Jewish school, they have to be prepared to pay tuition. Babies  are not born with wads of cash in their hands. The reality is far  more persuasive than the apologetics in this scenario, unless  we are talking about something spiritual, in which case the  apologetics need to be reworded.
It is insulting to suggest that using discretion and judgment in the usage birth control (“family planning”) is wise, because it is like suggesting the propriety of retroactive genocide of most frum people (who were part of very large families).	Birth control is allowed in some cases, so virtually any woman who has taken birth control (including those who would be risking a dangerous pregnancy) must hate children and have a vendetta against large frum families.	Family planning should be an admirable venture, as children  are precious and should be happily anticipated and the parents  should feel reasonably confident of their ability to provide for the  child.
The status quo must always be the following: a woman must ask for a heter for birth control, and everyday concerns like finances for private schools and Yom Tov, the varying attention spans and patience levels that exist among different parents, are not legitimate reasons to avoid a baby at a particular point in the parent’s life. These issues will work themselves out in the end.	Private Jewish schools are crumbling due to lack of funds and the refusal or resistance to homeschooling if finances are an issue. There are a limited amount of hours in the day, and a woman who gives birth every 1 ½ years will not have the time to devote to children besides for basic necessities such as nursing, making dinner, giving baths, and damage control in terms of behavior. Parents with spaced or fewer children have time to help with homework and enhance the mitzvah of chinuch through their money and time, focusing on quality rather than quantity and the mitzvos that come with pru u’revu.	Maintaining the status quo will put at risk any child not born to a woman who is thrilled to focus on family alone and spend her  entire pre-menopasual life pregnant or caring for a small child.  Any woman who experiences resentment or is overwhelmed  with this hectic, unrelenting lifestyle need not think it is her religious  duty to succumb to it. Any parents who wish to focus on quality  over quantity in child rearing should recognize this is not less  religious a priority.
Older kids can help with the younger kids, so having a big family isn’t as overwhelming as it may seem.	Older/oldest kids who are forced into being the additional parents in the family come to resent it and resist building large families of their own due to mental exhaustion and resistance to the enormous responsibilities it comes with.	Parents should never expect their children to have adult  responsibilities at a young age.
One may not ever use their personal judgment about when to have a child, even though the halacha for pru u’revu doesn’t extend past 1 boy and 1 girl (or a different combination depending on the source).	One may use their personal judgment about when to get married, even though there are explicit halachas that indicate a cut-off date.	Based on Rabbinic precedent, rabbis should advise their  community’s youth that they should choose a wise time to  have children based on their relationship and place in life. (http://www.yctorah.org/component/option,com_docman /task,doc_view/gid,1398/)
It is not a woman’s obligation to procreate.	A woman is committing a sin by not trying to conceive a child, even if the birth control she uses does not present a zera l’vatala issue.	Women should be educated about the halachic issues with contraception and their obligations regarding aiding their husbands in procreation, without being given false blanket statements about their obligations.

Secular Influences

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
Jewish culture is superior to non-Jewish culture.	Cultural practices are arbitrary and do not come with an inherent value attached to them.	It is proper to recognize there has always been a relationship with Jewish and non-Jewish culture. To deny it is to allow inappropriate and non-intentional influences to creep in, inevitably. There is a possibility for us to “elevate” non-Jewish culture, and we should actively seek out the best parts of non-Jewish culture and ideas to make Judaism richer and expand holiness in the world at large.
Influence from non-Jewish culture is at best not religious enough for the seriously religious and at worst an actual sin.	All Jewish language, music, clothing, and food can be directly traced to non-Jewish cultures.	The most “religious” thing one can do is be discriminating yet inclusive of the best of the non-Jewish world.
Non-Jewish music is evil and must be eradicated from our communities.	Misirilou by Dick Dale and The Land Down Under by Men at Work are part of the canon of music played at virtually every Jewish wedding.	Non-Jewish music can be beautiful and spiritually edifying. We should choose without sanctimonious criticism what will enhance our simcha, and not have a “canon” imposed in isolation.
Matisyahu’s music is very bad.	Every other religious musician chooses a genre to copy and does so freely.	Every religious musician SHOULD choose a genre freely, and elevate it. Hip-hop and reggae are not the only genres that can be elevated. Our finger should be on the pulse of contemporary music in order to bring it into the realm of kedusha.
“Beats” are inherently non-Jewish, lead people to move their bodies in a way that is frighteningly undignified, and in general is not an “aidel” thing to have in music.	Rhythm is a human quality that has no moral meaning. Cymbals and drums are mentioned in davening during the Hallelus and it is likely rhythm was used in the Bais Hamikdash. Keeping a beat is positive and life-affirming element of human behavior.	Music should be lively and unrestrained and represent a full expression of human life and celebration.

Insularity

Apologetics	Actual	Suggested Reconciliation
It keeps girls innocent to protect them from the facts of life until they get engaged.	Most kids learn about the facts of life far before their teenage years, but without any guidance, context (Jewish or health-wise), or facts.	Jewish education should be unafraid. It should be deliberate and age-appropriate, but it should not infantalize in the name of modesty or propriety, to the detriment of those children and young adults who want to direct their lives to G-dly behavior.

Washington Heights Dating For Dummies

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This post is challenging to write because from my experience in the Heights as a Shadchan and a dater, there is much less (I'm being nice, there is practically no) structure to the dating world.
The charedi world has rules. You follow them, you go through the shadchan, you know that three dates is one stage and four is the next... and on and on you go.

In the Heights world, everyone belongs to a highly specific community, of which they are the only member.

I am right wing on kol isha and kemach yoshon but left wing when it comes to birth control... you know the type? No, I don't know the type.

I am super frum when it comes to learning but I don't care about minyan.... so it isn't shayach.

I would never go out with someone who wears denim skirts but we'd have to go to movies together.... know the type?

WAKE UP! You aren't types. We aren't types. We are a bunch of super-complicated individuals who only get more messed up as they stay in this crazy mix of a neighborhood.

Nevertheless, throughout my year of living here and dating, I have picked up on some of the unwritten rules which are a relative guide for most daters here.

There is a distinction between going on dates and actually dating.

After you are asked out/ask someone out/ are set up...

You go out...
on dates.
You aren't dating that person though until you have "THE CONVO".

"THE CONVO" is where you sit down, usually at the end of the third-sixth date and discuss how you are feeling about the relationship, whether you think there is long term potential, and what your status is... if at the end of that conversation you  decide to continue... you are DATING.

That is when you are actually dating until you decide to marry or not. But that means that you don't have to wonder every date whether there will be a next one, it works more like an actual relationship.

From my experience, guys hate having "the convo" and if they could avoid it they do. If they could say at the end of every date..."We'll be in touch"/ "So when is a good time for you to go out again?" they would do that straight till the canopy.

The worst thing is when at the end of a date, the guy will look at you and say: "So, what's happening?"
No Way Hozay! I am not talking first! You tell me how you feel. Be a man, let me know what you think, and I'll respond.

I don't know why people are so scared of talking, but I honestly hate having to be the one to pull out the conversation card and squeeze the emotion out of the guys one bit at a time.

What To Do With Former Love Letters

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What in the world am I supposed to do with former love letters? 

Should i create a bonfire for them, or should i publish them after my death?

Are they a testament to falsehood?

Are they a reminder that there is no point in trusting again?

When I dated someone a few years ago, we had a whole romantic correspondence.

I knew that the letters we wrote each other were unique and that I would one day enjoy reading them and showing them to our grandchildren.

I stored the letters in a special email folder... 

Alas, the relationship did not work out and we didn't get married, and yet, despite the break-up I never deleted the letters. 

I never really looked back and reread them, but knowing that they were there was somehow comforting. 

Consciously, I was thinking that I might use them one day to write a novel...

Subconsciously, I probably didn't want to let go.


Forward a year. I was dating someone else, and things started getting serious, we started using the M word in conversations, and I knew that I should probably delete the emails. 
With a heavy heart and a strong sense of duty, I logged in and clicked delete. 
I went to the trash folder and deleted them from there as well. 


Everything would be fine, except that the relationship with the next guy also fell apart. 
And now I was still single, and on top of that I didn't have the love letters from guy 1. 


Apparently, I used to be quite smart, and I envisioned myself doing what I did because this week when I was looking through old files and books, I found a folder with all the emails printed out and stored in order. 
I was so grateful to the me of two years ago for taking that precaution. Maybe I still would be able to produce a novel someday.


I spent some good hours looking through the files. I smiled at times, laughing at how naive I could have been to believe what he said, shocked at others by things emanating from my own fingertips, and sad at times over the fate the relationship took on, the pain endured, and the innocence of the first romance lost. 


Now, I have letters from more men. And in a way, I am so blessed to have these souvenirs to remind me when I am going through a dry spell, that there are times when it rains, and there are times when it pours.


Do I keep them or do I throw them to the winds?

What Men Want: Educated Women

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Hattip MB for the idea.

So if you're a Jewish spinster like the rest of us and are wondering if you lost all your shots at marriage the day you stepped foot into university, the NY times says you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Although the article has been written without focusing on the Orthodox community... It studies men throughout the last centuries and looks at what they were looking for in a spouse.
And surprise of surprises, more men want to marry educated women than ever before!

Supposedly, they care much less about their wives cleaning and cooking abilities. I think the reason for that is that people don't eat in any more. They either buy frozen dinners, Chinese, or eat out altogether.
In the Orthodox community, where life revolves around the lokshen of Shabbos and the kugels of Yom Tov, I am pretty sure cooking is pretty high up.

The article points out that ironically the women who are more educated than the men overcompensate in cleaning and cooking to show the man that he is actually the boss.

Having been raised in quite a traditional male-dominated society (not only the religious community, but the secular one as well), women would constantly preach to me how the true wisdom of the woman is the ability to suppress her wisdom and make her husband feel like a million bucks (even if he is worth two).

Despite the fact that I am not going to act like an idiot to trap a man, I am looking to marry someone I can truly respect and look up to (physically at least)... Granted, I also want him to respect me.

In a weird way, the Charedi community is even ahead of the Modern Orthodox one in terms of cultivating educated women. A charedi girl's education will translate directly into her husbands bank account and determine the amount of years he can sit and kollel and do other holy things.

Being that we are a traditional patriarchal Orthodox society, and are often lagging about twenty years behind the secular community in terms of issues and awareness, what do you think is the climate in the community for dating?
Are erudite women more or less desirable because of their education?  

First Date or Not So Much?

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So there is this murky line which makes dating life extremely confusing.
And that is going from being friends or friendly with someone for awhile with frequent interactions to going out on dates as dates.

He has seen you in good days and bad days, with your ups and downs, pretty much knows you in a casual sense as a friend.... and now you are going out, and suddenly, you are expected to dress up, put on make-up, be all date-like...

Don't you think it's a bit more unnatural going from friends to dates than just starting off as dates initially?
Are the rules different?

Guest Post: Untouched

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My friend wrote this poem in the subway coming back from yet another date with yet another great guy who sounded really awesome but where things just didn't click. Sometimes I wonder what's worse--to have been in love, to have experienced its magic, but also the pain that comes with a broken heart? Or is it more painful to feel untouched by the great experience that is love?

I say I want to fall in love.

I want it all--the fairy tale ending, the tall dark and handsome (and intelligent and responsible and sensitive and progressive and successful) prince to sweep me off my feet. I want to hear romantic music in every thought, to think of my beloved with every heartbeat.To be thought of just as frequently. I want easy uncomplicated passion, long walks by the beach, shared goals and values. I want overflowing laughter, glittering eyes, holding hands, picture perfect moments. I want  to be one with another, to experience a harmonious union of two minds, bodies and souls. I want happily ever after, forever and for always, everlasting love, beauty and youth. I want to fall in love.

But I dream to be in love. 

To experience love as a verb that must be applied with full intentionality, human passion and vulnerability. To work on loving someone who is different than me. Someone who's not perfect--and for whom I'm not perfect--but who inspires me to think of perfection. I want the heartache and pain and disappointment that come when you care too much. The anger, the fights and the tears that mean you give a damn. I want to be faced with receding hairlines and growing waistlines. I even want to worry about looking too fat or too old for someone, because it means his opinion matters. I want the passionless routine everyday acts of washing dishes, changing diapers and paying mortgages with someone else. I want to communicate silently, through lowered lids and half gestures, with someone who knows me nearly as well as I think I do myself.